To the boy who broke my heart after I gave it completely to you-
It was thrilling, innocent and the purest love I’ve ever given. It’s easy to remember the good that happened because when it ended, the memories of joy far exceeded the pain. Funny, isn’t it, how when someone is devastated by heartbreak the bad seems to slip away and suddenly the absence of innocence and happiness is haunted by empty smiles and hollow laughter of a once in-love girl. The turn towards heartbreak was sharp and hurt as it pierced through every nerve in my body. With the words that wrecked our relationship came a turning of my stomach and an instantaneous fracture of my heart that, even 3 years later, still remains as a scar with your name on it. I believed when we broke up that you were the right person at the wrong time, but now I know that I was just simply a different person. We were unabashedly young, and for almost 4 years we grew together, but in the end, we just grew apart. I was lacking in confidence, a pushover of sorts, and capable of giving a fervent type of love. Reflecting on what was makes me realize that, since you, I have never wholly given myself as I am, without guard or hesitation, to anyone and for that, I call what we had love. I’m still only 19, and who’s to say that I won’t experience an undeniable claim of affection and passion that I’ll then realize is love, but I know for a fact that you received a side of me that no one else will ever come to know.
I fell, and I fell hard. At first, I blamed you after we ended for taking and taking from me, but in actuality, I just continued to give with no expectation in return and soon this habit trained our relationship into exhaustion. I wanted so badly to indict you on all possible charges of heartbreak, and then I wanted to hold myself as the culprit. At the end of the day though, we were just two people whose paths crossed, intertwined and then diverted. The blame can only be put on the changing of a time and a desire for different things. We talked every day from 8th grade to the breakup at the beginning of my junior year and in the end, I discerned that it was not the loss of a boyfriend that maimed and mutilated my heart, but rather the loss of a friend. Suddenly, the boy who knew everything about the person I was became a stranger and that that is what shattered my purpose for a fleeting moment.
It has been years now and I’ve healed, but not fully; I don’t believe anyone ever completely lets go of their first loss of unguarded, pure innocence. Honestly, every now and then I still find myself comparing different guys to you, hoping that one day I’ll find a man that can measure up to the untainted happiness you once brought to my life, even if it was ephemeral. I owe a lot to you, but mostly I credit you with the person I’ve become and who I have yet to be. Your tongue was sharp at the end and words were said that left a sting on my skin that can never be taken away, but I am grateful for this. I was unsure of who I was and dependent on others for happiness, but after you, I realized true contentment is a product of myself. With unwavering assurance, I can say I’m proud of the person I’m becoming. I’m sorry it took you leaving to see who I want to be because I do believe you’d like to meet her.
You’ve loved since me and you’ll continue to love with a remarkable style, and I hope you’re unapologetically yourself and always pursue your happiness in all aspects to limitless expanses. Thank you for the moments you spent with me that gave me lessons and memories, and thank you for, at one point, accepting my love and me as we were. We’re both in college now on opposite sides of the country and our lives are continuing, and, in some ways, just beginning. So, maybe one day we’ll meet again in passing on a street and we can re-meet the people we’ve become. I look forward to this opportunity and, until then, I wish you luck and happiness, and you’ll forever have a place in my heart. In the hopes I ever cross your mind, just know I’m doing well.