It’s Monday night, and if you don’t know the drill, I’m sorry but we just can’t be friends.
Prince Farming is back for the fourth week of the search to find his future wife, and the girls are definitely getting cut-throat. This episode is filled with bikinis (well, every episode is filled with bikinis), a real-life Cinderella story (because obviously The Bachelor is as real as life gets), and more jealousy than Nick Jonas can ever fathom.
To keep with the special guest theme, Chris Harrison informs the girls that they’ll be meeting Chris’s three sisters and – please sit down for this – they’ll be the ones planning the one-on-one date, including who will be in attendance. But first, the group date.
(Photo: http://www.inquisitr.com)
GROUP DATE
The date card reads “do what feels natural,” which ultimately freaks out some of the girls who think they’ll have to put away their falsies and extensions for the day *cough cough* Ashley I., the Kardashian-wannabe. But this is The Bachelor, ladies. The producers would never let anyone on camera with a naked face. They would allow the girls to wear the least amount of clothing possible on their way to a nearby lake.
While at the lake beach, Ashley I. and Kaitlyn take the word natural quite literally by removing their bottoms and tops, respectively. Taking your top off – classic move and cute, if you’re tipsy enough. But bottoms? Classy or trashy? (Hint: it’s trashy).
Kelsey pouts the whole time because the muddy water isn’t up to her Michigan lake standards – totally plausible, right? But then she gets stung by a bee while whining about the water in an interview and gave us a good laugh. Sorry, Kelsey! And then she gets even more mad because the day at the beach turns into camping, and the girls have to build their own tents still wearing their bikinis.
No camping trip would be complete without tequila shots and whiskey pulls, so that leads to an interesting night. *Cue Ashley S.* She starts mumbling things about the full moon and I literally cannot explain to you guys what she’s doing. Is it a tribal dance? Is it a campfire song? Is she turning into a werewolf? It is a full moon, so that’s a totally valid option.
Later in the night, Ashley I. feels like she didn’t get enough time with Chris during the day – what else is new? So, she decides to sneak into his tent and attempt to tell him that she’s a virgin. The attempt is quite a failure considering Chris has “no idea what she’s saying right now.” But Ashley I. says “I feel like he really gets me.”
SOULES SISTERS
Blonde, happy and beautiful, Chris’s three sisters walk in ready to scare the shit out of the girls not on the camping group date. Just kidding, they’re actually very sweet and make all the girls feel comfortable – unlike how I’d treat girls who are competing to marry my brother.
As expected, they all say they’ll move to Iowa, blah blah, “I have the best connection with Chris,” blah blah. Carly cries, Jade complains that she’s too shy. As you can tell, I wasn’t very amused. As my friend said during our mini-watch-party, “I just need to see Chris shirtless, like for the full two hours.”
The three sisters end up choosing Jade to go on a princess-themed date with “Prince Farming”. This is really just a ploy to promote Disney’s new Cinderella movie, but I’m not mad, and neither is Jade. She receives the full treatment with her pick of couture ball gown, glass Louboutin “slippers”, a makeup artist and hairstylist and even Neil Lane diamond earrings – to keep!
Chris cannot wipe the giddy grin off of his face when Jade walks down the massive staircase to their romantic candlelit dinner. The two discuss previous relationships and share the fact that they’ve both been engaged at a young age. This date really puts Jade in the front-runners circle as Chris cannot stop smiling at her ease and beauty.
After dinner, he leads her into a room with a small, private symphony and a stage just waiting to be danced on. Let me remind you that he was practicing his steps before meeting her – can you say ah-mazing? As he dips Jade, he pulls her back in for what I think is the most romantic kiss of the season. Thank god Ashley I. wasn’t around to see that one.
Speaking of Ashley I., she gets wasted at the house and decides to get all dolled up in the dress that she brought for her princess date. It’s OK, sweetie, we’ve all done it. Just maybe not on national television. “That’s supposed to be my date,” she says while eating corn on the cob and chugging champagne.
SECOND GROUP DATE
The next morning, the ladies receive another date card and packages for each girl. They all open the boxes at the same time and *dun dun dun* they’re wedding dresses! Waiting for them is a limo, of course, which takes them to a private plane, of course, and then to San Francisco. Sounds like a normal Saturday with my friends too.
Jillian, the female Hulk, is pissed that she has to be “girly,” but the date ends up being a muddy relay race, which gives her a smile that a kid would have in a candy store. As expected, she dominates the race and wins a date with Chris in at the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco. And I swear to god it was Sammi Sweetheart who showed up.
She spends the entire date talking about exercising. Do I even need to explain why she was sent home rose-less? At least you have the Shore, Sammi.
COCKTAIL PARTY
Ashley I. is wearing her princess dress, so yeah, it’s going to be a good one.
She goes on to explain what she tried to explain in Chris’s tent the earlier night: She’s a virgin. Along with every other girl in the house, he’s absolutely shocked. “I did not see that coming,” he says with wide eyes. Ashley expects him to make a move, but he doesn’t and, to no one’s surprise, she cries. What’s a cocktail party without mascara-filled tears?
This episode is filled with jealousy upon jealousy, but instead of the girls confronting each other, they bring all their problems to Chris. No! We want to see catfights, hair pulling and tears! Come on ladies, you know how the show works.
Chris is getting fed up with the girls not understanding that he’s looking for love; he’s going to kiss other girls, spend time with other girls and not fall in love with you the second you walk out of the limo. Almost all the girls seem to have this mentality that they’re the only ones on Chris’ radar and that just proves how great of a guy he is: He makes each and every one of the girls feel like they really are the only one in the world. In other words, he’s perfect. Not that it’s news or anything.
It’s an intense rose ceremony because neither Britt nor Ashley I. think that they’re getting a rose. But, this is reality television, so of course they do. Chris sends home Nikki (who are you?), Ashley S. (yes, I cried), and Juelia (the angel from Portland). He walks out Juelia and again, shows what a genuine guy he is. Chris explains that Juelia needs to be home with her daughter during this time when she’s still mourning her husband’s suicide; he tells her that she will find an amazing man, simply because she is deserving. Seriously, sign me up to meet him asap.
We all know that she’s only on the show for entertainment and will never end up with Chris, but I’m damn glad Ashley S. was. If she doesn’t get sent to Bachelor in Paradise or whatever spin off series comes next, I will definitely develop trust issues. You’ll be missed, crazy eyes number two.
BEST QUOTES
“My face is getting skinnier because I’m spending too much time fake smiling.” – Kelsey
“I’m a camping virgin and I’m also a virgin camping!” – Ashley I.
“It is uncomfortable to name myself as a front runner.” – Britt
“I’m a touchy, feely guy.” – Chris (you can touchy, feely me anytime)
“Her mouth is not a virgin.” – Carly (best one of the night, in my opinion)