Dating. It’s the worst, lets be real. You get all dressed up, put yourself out there, and sometimes you end up going home with nothing but a dissapointing night behind you. I recently went on a date that I would classify as my “worst date ever”. I had been snapping with this guy for a few days and I was excited to go out with him. I got dressed up and before I knew it he was picking me up at my house.
It was awkward from the beginning, and I was aware of it as he drove us to the place we were getting ice cream. I tried to talk through it, to make connections and light conversation. Give it time, I told myself, it’s just beginning, first date awkwardness. As we got to the ice cream joint the awkwardness just kept building. He kept mentioning things that we didn’t have in common, and I laughed along politely. The longer it went on, the more uncomfortable I felt. Bottom line: we just weren’t connecting; I didn’t feel it, but I didn’t know how to get out.
For all the “just be honest with them if you’re not feeling it” speeches I’ve given to my friends, when it happened to me, I didn’t know what to do. I texted my roommates and told them it wasn’t going well, but when we left the ice cream place, he wanted to go to a lake, and since we had only been out for about 30 minutes (although it felt like a lifetime), I didn’t know how to say no.
So as we got to the lake and he grabbed my hand, although I didn’t want him touching me, and I held it at a distance, I didn’t pull away, at least not immediately. We sat on a bench and we sat in awkward silence for awhile, and when he kissed me, I didn’t say no. And why? I didn’t want to kiss him. I wanted to go home, get in my sweatpants and kiss this night goodbye. But I didn’t want to be rude, I didn’t want to say, “please, take me home,” and then sit in the car for 15 minutes with him. I felt like I owed it to this person that I have no connection with to finish the night. To hold his hand, to kiss him.
But here’s the thing: I didn’t owe him anything. From the light of day I can come up with the excuses I could have made up, the honesty I could have just stated, “I’m not into this, please take me home.” But in that moment? I felt trapped, I felt like I couldn’t, like I wasn’t allowed. I don’t know why that is, why as women it has been communicated to us that we can’t be rude, we can’t be honest, we can’t hurt boys feelings. But this is what I do know: after I experienced a kiss that bad, next time I’m being honest.