“I can’t be your everything and I don’t want to be.”
As young girls, we were constantly bombarded with idealized views of the monogamous relationship. No childhood fairytales end with princesses and princes ultimately deciding that perhaps a monogamous relationship or marriage isn’t how they want their story to end. These stories exemplify how early these images have been in our lives and how they may (or may not, as in my case) come to shape how we view relationships as a whole. I never saw monogamy as part of the narrative that would come to shape my adult life. It had nothing to do with a desire to go against the grain or a fear of commitment. I simply could not envision that there would be one person for me that could magically fulfill every single want and desire of mine. So began my foray into ethical consensual non-monogamy, which, in my case, began as an open relationship at 17 years old. These relationships differ in the type of exclusivity (emotional, sexual) to the number of partners one is able to have, or even the type of relationship one is able to have with a partner outside their primary relationship (emotional, purely sexual, a mix of both). Most studies pertaining to ethical consensual non-monogamy show that in contrast to monogamous relationships, the greatest difference lies in Need Fulfillment. Simply put, monogamy demands that both romantic partners meet “many relational needs, including those for companionship, intimacy, intellectual involvement and sex” (Drigotas & Rusbult, 1992). Excessive pressure on one’s partner to fulfill every need and want causes over-reliance upon the other, resulting in conflict that stems from the inability to meet potentially unreasonable ideals. After all, we choose our partners not because they are exactly like us, but because they happen to complement who we are, and ultimately enrich our lives. Relationships are about growth: to only cultivate sameness, would only result in stagnancy. As in any relationship, communication is key. Terms must be made clear to avoid any probable conflict. These differ on a case-by-case basis, but often involve frequency of meeting, meeting under circumstances of temporary separation (holidays, etc.), social proximity of secondary partners, and what sort of activities either partner can do with their secondary partner. Research by Mitchell, Bartholomew, et al. proposes that within an Additive Model, the secondary relationship can fulfill a need that cannot be otherwise fulfilled in the primary relationship. This requires an open line of communication built over a foundation of trust that can allow for the consensual element of non-monogamy to succeed. “Wouldn’t the other primary partner feel jealous, like threatened or inferior that someone else can provide something that they ultimately can’t?” I cannot deny that jealousy does often rear its ugly head in any relationship for any given reason, but it isn’t always the case. That too varies from person to person. Ultimately, no, the other partner shouldn’t. The success of an open relationship operates under the belief that the bond that you can share with someone, the fidelity of your feelings to them, is not governed by a sexual drive. The bond is beyond that, greater and stronger. To define the strength of your relationship purely on the basis of physical fidelity may work for some people, but it doesn’t for me. I’m young; I have a lot to explore and a lot to experience. I love my partner, I love what we have, but there are many other men and women out there left to play with. It isn’t so much that I’m not ready to commit or am looking for something better to come along, because who says that’s the only choice that you have at your disposal? Each relationship is a temporary adventure, one that runs its course and one that we can eventually share with one another, when we return to each other at the end. We give one another freedom to indulge ourselves in others when the time calls for it and to support one another’s endeavours, because seeing one another happy is what matters. You can’t be everything to one person and you shouldn’t have to be. And at end of the day, it is just the two of you, with many, far and beyond, like white noise, in between.