Welcome freshers! Week one is now over, and you are now settling into student life. You are beginning to recognise more people in your halls and you managed to find your way around campus without looking at a map! Success.
Hangovers are (unfortunately) a staple of a freshers’ life. Some have described them as karma from having too much fun the night before, others describe them more vividly like Ronald Grant: “his mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he’d somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad”.
P.G Wodehouse, a comic writer, decided that there were a number of distinctly different hangovers: The Sewing Machine, The Comet, The Atomic, The Cement Mixer and The Gremlin Boogie. When we have a hangover there is nothing more we want than to just cease to exist for a few hours. Unfortunately this isn’t possible, but one never-fail remedy to stop the pounding of your head and churning of your guts is to eat. Like laughter, food is the best medicine and we have a recipe for each of the hangover types listed here.
You can now “down it fresher!” and have as many shots as you like; safe in the knowledge that the next morning you have some recipes to help you get through even the worst of hangovers.
1. The Sewing Machine
This hangover type is characterised by that incessant prodding and poking by an imaginary needle. It’s hitting you with exact precision all over your head and no matter which way you turn, it is always there jabbing and causing one of the worst headaches imaginable.Perpetrator: Tequila and that extra Jaeger bomb you thought you could handle.
The Elvis Presley delight:
8 slices of bacon4 thick slices of good quality bread2 tbsp crunchy peanut butter1 banana – mashed1 tbsp honey
1. Thickly spread each slice of bread with peanut butter.2. Cover two slices with the mashed banana and drizzle with honey.3. Grill bacon until crispy and then place on top of the banana.4. Top each sandwich with a second slice of bread.
TIP: If this becomes a habit; make friends with a cardiac surgeon. You may need one.
2. The Comet
This hangover, like the existential crisis, is characterised by waves of hysteria hitting you at intermittent times throughout the morning. You sense that you’ve somehow lost connection with the world and that maybe nothing but your bedroom and kitchen actually exist. You feel that you’ve somehow lost a connection with the world and a single line from a song is repeatedly whirring around your brain incessantly.Perpetrator: The bottle of wine you decided to strawpaedo in front of your friends to establish yourself as the badass of the group. Or the prosecco/champagne you smugly sipped though the night. As a student, if you drink these regularly, you deserve the pain of this hangover for being so posh!
Lemon and sugar pancakes:
125g plain flourPinch of salt225ml semi skimmed milk80ml water2 medium free range eggs15g unsalted butterButter for frying
For serving:50g Demerara sugarJuice of 2 lemons1 tbsp of lemon zest
1. Sift the flour and salt into a bowl.2. In a separate bowl, combine the milk and water.3. Make a well in the flour and add the two eggs and beat into the flour using a wooden spoon.4. Gradually add the milk and water mixture until you have a smooth batter.5. Melt butter in a frying pan.6. Once melted, pour enough mix into the pan to make 1 pancake. Cook for about one minute until the bottom of the pancake is firm and golden, then flip to cook on the other side.7. Repeat the process until you have used up all of your pancake mix or have passed out from standing up for too long.8. Add topping and eat. Eat with knife, fork, spoons or even your hands; remember when you are hungover there is no judgement.
3. The Atomic
You know you have this type of hangover when you imagine a giant mushroom cloud above your head. The explosion and headache in your head is so great that it physically manifests itself around your head, and acts as a constant reminder of your mistakes from the night before. Why did you think that drinking straight rum was a good idea?? It is clear from this hangover that sadly you could never make it as a pirate.Perpetrator: Straight spirits; particularly rum, vodka and gin.
Chorizo omelette:
100g good quality chorizo (or Tesco Value; just whatever you can afford really)Olive oil – for frying1/4 red onion – diced1 ripe tomato – chopped4 eggs – beaten, slightly seasoned1/2 handful of mint30g feta cheese – optional
1. Heat a little olive oil in a frying pan, then fry the slices of chorizo.2. Add the onion and cook for a further couple of minutes, stirring to make sure the chorizo doesn’t burn.3. Add the tomato and cook for a further two minutes.4. Turn the heat down. Combine the mint and the eggs and pour into the pan. Tilt the pan to make sure the egg and ingredients are evenly distributed.5. Cook gently for a few minutes until the egg is mostly cooked and then crumble the feta on top. Fold one half of the omelette onto of the other to make a semi-circle and serve.
TIP: When you fold the omelette, don’t worry if it breaks. Just turn it into scrambled eggs and remember that you have failed your mother.
4. The Cement Mixer
For those who drink regularly, this hangover type is no stranger to them. It is when quite simply you feel as if your insides have been turned into a cement mixer, and someone is insistently shovelling sand and regret into the mixer. Aside from cutting the power to the cement mixer, the only known cure to mankind is to eat something to try and slow the turning and churning of the cement mixer formally known as your stomach.Perpetrator: Beers, lagers and ciders.
Milton Crawford’s fish finger sandwich:
8 frozen fingers4 large slices of white bread
For the pea mayo:20g butter1 clove of garlic – crushed75g of frozen peas100ml boiling water – from the kettle3 tsp mayonnaise2 tsp cider vinegar
1. Grill fish fingers according to the packet instructions.2. Melt half the butter in a saucepan over a medium heat. Add the garlic and stir for a few minutes.3. Add the peas and stir a few times before adding the boiling water.4. Bring to the boil, and boil until the peas are tender.5. Drain the peas into a blender along with the remaining butter, mayonnaise and vinegar. Season to taste and blend until smooth.6. Spread the pea puree on the slices of bread and layer the fish fingers on top. You can season them further with lemon juice/tomato ketchup/tabasco sauce. Then top with the second slice of bread.
TIP: If you don’t have a blender; let out all of your frustrations and simply mash the peas with a fork. They might not be as smooth as blended peas but as you’re hungover I doubt you care very much about the smoothness of your pea puree.
5. The Gremlin Boogie
Known as the very worst of all hangovers; this one is defined as the dark immobile sludge at the bottom of a vast sewer. It is said to combine both the worst physical and psychological symptoms of a hangover. When you look in the mirror (if you can even make it that far from your bed), you appear to look like the doomed figure in the Hieronymus Bosch painting. On these days it is perfectly acceptable to ask a housemate to make food for you and retreat back to your bed nest like the little gremlin monster that you are.Perpetrator: You can’t even remember what you had. It could have been everything and anything; all you know is that you are never drinking again. Ever.
Cheats Eggs Benedict:Note: For the sake of student wallets, I’ve omitted the salmon & hollandaise sauce.
4 medium eggs1 tsp white wine vinegar2 breakfast muffinsSmall handful of chives – optional150g crème fraîche – cream cheese is a good substituteButter – for spreading on the muffins100g ham/bacon
1. Heat a pan of salted water with the vinegar. When little bubbles start to rise break the eggs into the water and poach for 4-5 minutes.2. Meanwhile, cut the muffins in half and toast them.3. Stir in chopped chives to the crème fraîche/cream cheese and season with a little black pepper.4. Assign someone to butter your muffin (cheeky) and dollop a spoonful of the crème fraîche mixture onto the muffin.5. Layer a slice of ham or cooked bacon on each muffin and push down to make a good base for the eggs.6. Remove the eggs using a slotted spoon and balance one on top of each muffin. Add some lemon juice if desired and serve immediately.
All recipes and descriptions based on ones from “The Hungover Cookbook” by Milton Crawford.
Edited by Sarah Holmes
Image Sources: