For many of us, university is the first taste of true freedom and independence. It’s illustrated as part of the one (wo)man journey to becoming an adult – but is it the same for those coming into university life with another walking beside them, so-to-speak? Does opening a new chapter mean closing another?
I myself got into a relationship during my second year of university with someone who lives back in London – 130 miles away. The relationship began with the knowledge that we would not be able to see one another whenever we pleased, and thus the foundation of our relationship has been built upon that from the word go.
But can it all be too much for those who formed their relationship in the same hometown, or even in the same classroom? Is facing the distance with bae the ultimate testament to true love? Or can one really make the most of university life, and all its social and intellectual prospects, with your other-half waiting back in halls?
I had the privileged insight into both worlds – long distance and short – from couples who were prepared to share their stories with Her Campus. To keep their anonymity, I have given them the alias of Long Distance Bae (LDB) and Short Distance Bae (SDB) – just to lighten up what can be a dark time of unwanted truths and potential heartache:
How long were you and your significant other together prior to university?
LDBs: Three years and two months
SUBs: Two years and nine months
Was there a discussion had beforehand regarding the future of your relationship before you set off to university?
LDB 1: Yes, we had discussed it quite a bit, and kind of made the pact of ‘we will see what happens; we’ll try our best but we’ll just take it as it comes’.
LDB 2: Yeah, we discussed the strain that leading two separate university lives could possibly have on our relationship. But we agreed that although university would prove to be a significant trial, the foundations of our relationship had become strong enough so that the future was likely to be secure.
SDB 1: We didn’t really discuss how it would affect our relationship, we were more focused about where we wanted to go with our careers and which university would be right for what we wanted to do as a course.
SDB 2: Yeah but there was no doubt that, if we hadn’t have gone to the same university, we would have still tried to make it work long distance.
Did you and your significant other purposely decide to go to different/same universities?
LDB 2: Yes, although for many reasons – both personal and academic. My underlying motive was that I didn’t want my other half to become a target board for my misdirected stress. And also the excitement of visiting one another’s universities and the city – and to build a greater appreciation for each other’s company.
LDB 1: We had been going the same school and lived in the same area for years, which did limit our independence, but I wouldn’t say that we had purposely decided to go to different ones. We took our relationship into consideration, but due to the contrasting nature of our subjects it was inevitable that we would be looking into different universities that specialised in those areas.
SDB 1: We didn’t really discuss how it would affect our relationship, we were more focused about where we wanted to go with our careers and which university would be right for what we wanted to do as a course.
SDB 2: Yeah but there was no doubt that, if we hadn’t have gone to the same university, we would have still tried to make it work long distance.
Do you feel that going to different/same universities has been particularly beneficial, or disadvantageous, to your relationship in any way?
LDB 2: It has been beneficial to the relationship when we are back in one another’s company, since we appreciate that company a lot more. But at the same time this also has a strain on the relationship when we are separated, as we miss each other a lot. A bit of a catch-22 really.
LDB 1: Yeah, but to distract ourselves from feeling lonely it has made us gain independence and grow as individuals: through focusing more on our studies and realising our own passions. But it has definitely made us appreciate the time we have together more – and visiting each others cities is definitely a plus!
SDB 1: We’ve learnt to deal with balancing our time and making sure that we have separate friends and give each other the space we need. So it has been good because we’ve been able to deal with challenges together.
SDB 2: Yeah, long distance would have been a challenge and a testament to our relationship, and learning to overcome obstacles is an important way of maintaining a relationship – but obstacles come whether you are together or apart.
Would you say going to different/same universities has hindered or improved your ‘student experience’ in any way?
LDB 1: I think it has probably improved it. Couples who go to the same university often have little or no independence, as you might fall into the trap of just seeing each other – so miss out on the chance to make new friends, to join new societies, and to really make the most of university life.
LDB 2: Yeah I agree. It has encouraged me to engage in other’s company, rather than just be content with my other half’s company. So it has helped me to engage in more activities and meet people – some that I may have not met otherwise.
SDB 2: I would say it has improved it because we get the option to experience the same physical environment, learning environment, university clubs and socials.
SDB 1: Yeah, it’s nice to have those things for ourselves has individuals, but it’s nice to be able share with each other when we choose to.
A Focus on LDB’s:
What would you say is the most difficult part about going to separate universities?
LDB 1: Not having the comfort of coming home to your partner to cuddle or vent to after a difficult day. You have to deal with more things alone. Also, if arguments come up, it is difficult to resolve these issues by being so far away – communication is often difficult. It can be hard to keep two lives running alongside each other, so it can cause you to forget the basics, so I can see how couples can grow apart quite easily if they’re not careful.
LDB 2: This is especially difficult when you have become so accustomed to life together before university. It is difficult not having somebody alongside me that I can completely confide in and be completely comfortable with – which you can take for granted.
Do you have any tips for other couples when it comes to maintaining good communication with your significant other, especially if you’re apart for weeks or months?
LDB 2: I would say it’s important to set out time every day to have a good conversation – even if you don’t feel like it at the time! Another suggestion is writing to each other, as it can be comforting to pick up a letter from your other half and read it through when you are feeling lonely.
LDB 1: Yeah, when being apart you find new, interesting ways to communicate: sending letters or postcards to each other is so much more thoughtful than just sending a text, and shows your significant other that you are dedicating some time especially for them. A relationship should grow, not just exist, and it needs to be maintained and worked at.
Would you recommend other couples to study at different universities?
LDB 1: Although I would encourage it, it’s definitely not for every couple. I understand that couples may feel it would be best to be able to support each other directly, and to share experiences at the same university; but I think couples can be too safe, and feel that they must go to the same university out of fear of breaking up. A relationship needs enough trust and care that you would be willing to make the effort. It isn’t easy, but if you think your relationship is worth a try, you should continue.
LDB 2: I agree – it reveals a lot about how you feel about one another. I strongly believe that if a couple are unable to stay together through separate universities, then it was never meant to happen in the first place. Although it isn’t easy by any means, it brings more advantages than disadvantages and makes you appreciate each other – like you should do in a relationship. A Focus on SDB’s:
Do you think it would have affected your relationship in any way if you were to have gone to different universities?
SDB 1: It would have been a whole different dynamic, yes – if we went to different going universities we would have had to deal with the issue of missing each other and taking time out to visit one another.
SDB 2: But the issue of being close to each other is trying to not let each other distract away from our university work!
Do you have any tips for other same-uni couples when it comes to balancing university life and spending time with your SDB?
SDB 1: We have to make sure that we put our uni work first which can be difficult sometimes, but we know it’s for the best in the end.
SDB 2: We try to make time for each other and usually see each other at least twice a week, this has to change though during exam periods! Communication is the important thing, knowing that you’re both on the same page and giving each other space for their own social life as well as time for course work is very important.
SDB 1: Going to the same university has helped us learn how to negotiate with each other and be independent, which can be hard when they’re only five minutes away.
Would you recommend other couples to study at the same university?
SDB 2: It is entirely up to the couple, really.
SDB 1: Yeah, if you think that you would both get under each other’s feet then it is not a good idea. But if you practically can’t live without each other’s company 24/7 then arguably it’s a necessary thing.
SDB 2: Each couple should do what honestly makes them both happy in the long-run.
So some couples do go the distance and yes, it doesn’t work out – just as some may study together out of fear or lack of trust. But what is known for sure from these couples is that, through strong communication and a little negotiation, it is possible. The most important thing is that you and your potential LDB or SDB are honest with each other about what is best for you and your relationship – whether that is together or apart.
Edited by Tia Ralhan
Sources:http://livingthecollegelife.com/are-you-overly-attached/
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http://courtstreetstories.com/top-7-relationships-in-athens-ohio/
http://fuckyeahsweetcouples.tumblr.com/post/4084191966/long-distance-rel…
http://fashweekly.com/long-distance-relationships/
http://abccoolimages.com/couples+holding+hands+pictures+tumblr