These days, everyone has Facebook. If you don’t then you’re officially less technologically apt than my Nan. So how do you make yourself stand out from the crowd on social media? How do you become ‘that person who’s really funny on Facebook’? The person who never gets deleted because no one wants to miss out on your witty or insightful posts? The person who has enabled the Follow function, and has actual Followers? HC guide you through how to become Facebook Fabulous in ten easy steps…
1. Have a GREAT profile picture. You have two options. Either go for ‘The Fun and Carefree’, designed to show everyone that you do wonderful things with your life like jumping in the air or laughing so much that you’re bending over a bit. This option just screams “I don’t care how I look; I’m doing what I want because I’m young, free and making the most of it”.
Do beware of ‘The LOL Face’ variation. While this can sometimes work wonders to show how much you don’t care what people think about you, bear in mind that it still needs to be flattering. This option is great for making people think “wow, this girl is so hot that she physically can’t look unattractive!” You’re not aiming for “wow, this girl sure has a lot of chins”.
Your other option is ‘The Effortlessly Beautiful Selfie’. It doesn’t really matter if you take this yourself or someone takes it for you. Just remember to Instagram the hell out of it. Filters hide so many blemishes! But don’t think this means you don’t need a full face of make-up, because girl, there ain’t no such thing as perfection when it comes to complexion!
Note: it is also acceptable to have a group photo as your profile picture. Choose carefully though. You want the other participants to be attractive (so that people know you move in attractive circles) but not more attractive than you (because remember, this is YOUR party, not theirs).
2. Be hilarious. Everyone loves a funny Facebook status. It shows how original, intelligent and creative you are. You want to aim for at least 10 likes per status. If you find you’re consistently coming in lower than this, it’s time to rethink your strategy.
You can also be subtly hilarious by liking hilarious Facebook Pages which post puns or photos of cats.
Top Tip: If a friend posts a great status that you can steal, it’s absolutely OK to delete them as a friend then post it as your own. Just be careful you don’t have too many mutual friends!
3. Keep the photos coming. Ideally, you’ll have a good balance of nightclub photos (to show how outrageously exciting your life is), food photos (ensure a mix of healthy salads and junk – to show that you eat what you want, but you’re no greedy goose), family photos (to show you’re a well-rounded individual who makes time for Great Aunt Pam), tourist photos (to show how well travelled and cultured you are) and a general selection of funny things you stumble across over the course of your day, e.g. a woman in a really silly hat.
4. Keep your Facebook well pruned. Like a plant, it needs regular love and tending to in order to perform at its best. This means keeping on top of your tagged photos (you can always ‘Hide from Timeline’ so that the photo doesn’t appear on your profile, but you don’t look like the kind of self-obsessed individual who untags bad photos). It also means occasionally looking at your old photos and asking yourself: ‘is this picture of me aged 15 drinking WKD and horrendously over dressed for a house party really a fair representation of me now?’ These photos can and should be deleted.
5. Have a complete profile. No section should be left blank. Particularly important to fill in are: education – to remind people that you are at Unay, and which one you are at; employment – to show people that you are a grown-up, working woman who earns her own money and has experienced the world; relationship status – to remind people that you’re in a happy relationship, or that you’re available. Added extras include political and religious views (because it’s important that people know you have an opinion on intellectual topics) and Music/Films/Books (so people can see the alternative genres of the arts you like to indulge in).
Beware: If Spotified is linked up to your Facebook, make sure you’re not showing people what you’re listening to when you’re playing your ‘gd tunes from old timez’ playlist. No one will want to look at you on Facebook if they think you still listen to H20 ft. Platnum – What’s It Gonna Be?
6. Have at least 800 friends. This really is a bare minimum. It’s very easy to have friends on Facebook. Just add anyone you meet! That girl in your seminar who you were once forced to ‘discuss the question in pairs’ with; that random boy who you met in Freshers Week and keep seeing around campus; that guy your friend once got off with in a club. They’re all fair game! Keep this up and you’ll have lots of friends in no time!
Remember: the more friends you have, the more likes you’ll get on photos and statuses!
7. Keep family in check. It is OK to have your family as Facebook friends, but set some ground rules first. Once your Mum has left a comment on your status, it deters other people from commenting afterwards. And your siblings are guaranteed to leave an embarrassing comment or photo lying around your profile every now and again – make sure you keep an eye out for this and remove any damage before it’s too late.
8. Increase your presence by Liking. The more you Like other people’s posts, the more likely they are to visit your profile!
9. Check-in and Events. Clicking ‘attending’ on events means people can see that you’re a busy person who goes to lots of interesting places. It also means that your Facebook friends know which nights out you’ll be at, so if they want to come to the same one to say “Hi”, then they can! While this may constitute stalking to some extent, don’t worry too much – it just means you’re popular! Click ‘Attending’ even if you aren’t, because no one checks up on these things.
10. Don’t be too keen. You don’t want anyone to think that you’re on Facebook all the time. This makes it look like you don’t have a life, which is super embarrassing! So schedule your Facebook activity in chunks twice or three times a day, and don’t reply to Chat messages immediately. It’s good to keep the fans waiting!