Ever wished you were more successful in business and life? Wish you could both terrify and mystify nations the world over? Then look no further because this is a step by step guide on how to Donald Trump. He’s the man for the moment, causing a stir in both the fields of politics and style! You can be too if you follow these 4 simple steps:
1. Money
Firstly you need to get noticed. The fastest way to do this is by being filthy rich. If you want to get to the top you’re going to need more money than sense (and then a bit more after that too). Ideally you’ll have been born into landed gentry or be the offspring of a Russian oligarch but failing that, there’s always payday loans. Once you’ve got your money, you’ll need to tell everyone how much you’ve got. Don’t be coy, Donald didn’t get where he is today by not announcing how much he’s worth every 90 seconds. You’ll also need a physical manifestation of this money so why not try plating your entire office in gold coloured metal like Trump did to his tower. Why stop at a tower? Why not build a castle out of rolled up £50 notes and cement made from rubies. The only limit is your imagination, and whether or not ruby cement is adhesive. 2. Hair
Next you’ll need a signature look that sets you apart from your competition. Whether it be a presidential race or employee of the month, you need an instantly recognisable gimmick to get you noticed. Donald here has chosen his hairdo. The success of this style comes primarily from the wholly unnatural combination of colour and texture and is guaranteed to make people stop and turn. For a time-saving similar look, buy a book of carpet samples and fashion yourself a toupee. This will guarantee you at least a spot on Question Time, just ask Boris Johnson. 3. Style
It’s a bona fide fact that 90% of success is directly related directly to how you dress. Ever heard the expression ‘dress to impress’? Donald invented that. Now like him, you’re going to want to invest in a lot of office wear and the bigger the better. High collar shirts hide your neck from your enemies, a classic weak point for attack. Wear your tie extra tight to hold up your shirt collar, and also to emphasise your many chins. More chins = more success. Like Donald, you’ll want a healthy fluorescent orange glow which creates the impression of danger and has the added advantage of being able to lead small groups of tourists around haunted houses. This can be achieved through genetic splicing with a Wotsit, although bronzer is a readily available alternative. 4. Opinions
If you’ve followed the previous steps then this is the fun part. To get your voice heard, you will need to make wild claims. The wilder the better. Trump has recognised that the more outlandish his promises are, the more people will listen. Take for example his pledge to ‘ban the internet’. Presumably Trump is demonstrating that if you fail to make coherent sense, people can’t hold you to account for your senseless ramblings.
So give it a go today!
Edited by Naomi Upton
Image sources
Cover Image: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/donald-trump-spends-450000-red-7284768
Image 1: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trump_Tower_(New_York_City)
Image 2: http://www.today.com/style/donald-trumps-hair-defended-explained-his-own-words-t37916
Image 3: http://boingboing.net/2016/01/27/donald-trump-mostly-retweets-w.html
Image 4: http://mashable.com/2015/08/06/donald-trump-gop-debate-quotes