Read parts one and two of the Tucker story!
I sat very contentedly on his couch being kinda sloppy and moving through my second gin and tonic as quickly as I could. I reminded him the bus to his SYR would leave soon.
He said, “Oh yeah! Right, we should go.” And then he took another shot of gin. I said I was gonna go to the bathroom before we left. I had to go all the way down to the first floor, and there was a line of girls waiting for the two stalls. Yes, my outfit was less embarrassing than their outfits. When I washed my hands I looked at my spinning reflection in the mirror and realized I was successfully drunk.
When I went back to his room, the door was locked. I knocked. No answer. I knocked louder. I called him. It rang until it went to voicemail. Then I texted him. No answer. I was worried so I went to look for him in the bathroom. My voice shy, I called in, “Yo, Tucker?” No answer. Maybe he went to a friend’s room? I wandered around the first floor, looking around. I met his RA, who asked me what I was doing. Obviously I had to tell him I lost my SYR date.
He seemed to feel bad for me, “You can still go without him, you should go!” Oh, yeah, by myself, I’ll go sans date to a different dorm’s SYR, that makes sense. I went back to my dorm. My friends were still pregaming. I burst into the room, “Heya!”
They said, “What are you doing here!?”
“Umm it seems I’ve lost my SYR date,” I explained to them. They thought it was hilarious. Then we went off campus and I was the right kind of happy drunk where I still had a good night.
Tucker texted me the next day, “Sooo, sorry about last night, I don’t know what happened… I think I’m getting sick… and I didn’t eat enough.”
I said, “No worries, I just went out with my friends and still had a good time.”
“Oh, I’m glad I didn’t ruin your night then”
“Naw, not at all!”
We didn’t see each other again until class where he left a space in between our seats. I felt like a leper, why did he want there to be a space in between us when he’d always sat so close? He avoided making eye contact with me throughout class. I asked him a question about homework and walked out with him to the next class, but he said, “I actually can’t go today, I emailed the professor. I have a meeting.”
And then there was always a space between us in class, sometimes two spaces, and he would always stop at a cafe in between our two classes to get a snack so we didn’t walk together anymore. He never tried to do homework with me, and he didn’t walk back to his dorm after classes. I texted him about studying for our final, and he said he didn’t plan on studying that much.
The semester ended. We have never had another class together, and now it has been about two years. We both smile, wave, and sometimes even say, “Hi, how are you?” when we see each other on campus.
At the time of this event and immediately after, I thought that it was me – that I had done something wrong. It was a hugely painful memory for me. Whenever I saw his roommates or friends around they’d always give me this stupid grimace. I was mortified.
After two years, I realize that he just got too drunk. He was nervous because he liked me. He thought he blew it, and was embarrassed and couldn’t look me in the eye afterward. It wasn’t me! What I should have done, was force my presence upon him. I should have let us have enough interactions for it not to be awkward anymore. I should have let him know I didn’t really care about the SYR. I should have said, “Think less I (kinda) like you too!” but I didn’t. And he shied away and acted like I had messed up.
It left me feeling like a weirdo, like this person who he did not want to take to his dance, who he asked at the last minute, didn’t care about enough to actually make it to the dance, and then it was like he barely knew me afterward.
I said I went off campus that night. I think that’s essential. If I had gone back to my dorm room and wallowed in self pity, this entire experience would have been…sad. But honestly, I went out with my friends and had a good time. And I look back on that whole series of awkward events and think, well he messed it up, but as least I had fun, and at least I can laugh at this.