Intimate Encounters: Getting Over It

 

Sex after a break up is really, really complicated. I always used to hear “The only 

way to get over someone is getting under someone else.” First of all, ew, I’d rather be 

on top, and second of all, that’s false. Sure, it may provide momentarily relief. And yes, having a 

physical orgasm can release some of your stress and tension. Or you could end up 

bursting into tears mid-coitus and uncontrollably wail out your ex’s name. Not that this 

has ever happened to me. Ever. Let me tell you my story, and then don’t follow in any of 

my footsteps.

 

I went through a pretty traumatic breakup within this past year. (School year, not 

2014 year, mind you.) I’m not that desperate– yet. Talk to me when I’m still single at age 45 and 

have adopted five disabled cats and named them after members of the Kardashian 

Klan. Then we’ll talk. Point is, he broke my heart, it really sucked, I drank tremendous 

amounts of wine and sobbed my poor little heart out. You all know what heartbreak feels 

like, and no matter which way you look at it, it freaking sucks. People try to give it a 

positive spin sometimes like “Look at it as a learning experience!” or “Bullet dodged! At 

least he cheated before you got married!” or some other lame excuse. Yes, I might 

understand that ten years down the line but right now I want to drown my sorrows and 

drunkenly sing Bonnie Rait’s I Can’t Make You Love Me while wearing tube socks and 

mardi gras beads in my living room. Not that I ever did that. Ever.

 

So once I had my mandatory mourning period, I was ready to party. Single, and ready to mingle! Yeah, 

baby! I’ve pity-starved myself over the past few days and I can finally squeeze into that 

obnoxious bedazzled dress-that’s-really-a-shirt and hit the town! Which is fine and 

dandy, until I drunkenly decide to bring someone home with me. It was awful. Not only 

did I cry, but I felt so guilty I then composed a very lengthy email to my ex explaining my 

predicament. Thank God I didn’t hit the send button, but looking at the draft the next 

morning made me feel like I wanted to die. Not to mention the hangover. Not to mention 

the stranger sleeping on my sofa who had kindly opted to not spend the night in bed 

with me but couldn’t call a cab that late at night. Disaster.

 

Just because I enjoy casual sex doesn’t always mean that I’m emotionally 

prepared for it. When you go from being in love with someone and sharing something 

intimate with them, you can’t just ricochet back into the world of single, casual sex. It’s 

something you have to ease into. I started a very, very casual relationship with 

someone– so it was consistent and sweet– and a nice stepping stone from lovey dovey 

sex back into the jungle that is single’s sex. And that worked for me, but it might not be 

for everyone. Some of my friends have waited until being in another serious, committed 

relationship before having sex again, and that’s just fine as well. Listen to your heart. At 

times when it’s hurting, it’ll give you some of the best answers.

 

Xx, Gemma

*Have a relationship question? Ask Gemma.

 

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