I’ve been sleeping with this guy for a while and I know he has a girl back home. He says they’re in an open relationship, but I’m starting to develop feelings for him and I’m not sure where I should take it from here. Help!
-Side Chick
Dear Side Chick,
I feel your pain. I’ve been in this situation before, and it absolutely sucks. I’m going to be blunt—stop sleeping with him. Stop seeing him. Delete his number. Cut him out of your life. If you are starting to develop feelings, it will be far better off to call it quits now than actually waiting to fall in love with him and then having to deal with things once your feelings are too big to grapple with. That being said, I am going off of a stereotypical definition of an open relationship. I don’t know how many details of his relationship you are privy to, but most open relationships allow the participants to have sex with other people, all while remaining emotionally attached to their partner. If this is the case, then end it now, because no matter what way you try to spin this in your head, he is never going to leave his girlfriend for you, and that’s the gospel truth. Learn from my mistakes. It isn’t worth it. Now, if he and his girl are in a more liberal open relationship—one where emotional attachments to other people ARE allowed to develop—then we’re dealing with something entirely different. If this is the case, talk to him. Tell him this has become more than just sex for you, and if the feelings are reciprocated and you can tolerate being a part of their open relationship without your inner green eyed monster flaring up, then go for it. When I did this it was great because I became attached to partner A, and partner B also had another girlfriend, so the four of us sat down and established some ground rules. People in open relationships tend to be really great at communicating, so all this is going to take is a quick conversation about where you’re at emotionally/mentally/psychologically, and things will pretty much iron themselves out. Since there’s a bit of an “anything goes” policy, chances are you can get what you want, need, and deserve, as long as you’re comfortable talking about it. Remember, above all, look out for you and your heart. If you feel like you’re in too deep, or you can’t deal with the jealousy, then leave while you can. Otherwise, you might feel like you’re drowning.
Stay classy, Gemma.
Dear Gemma,
I’m coming in as a freshman, and I’m really excited to be coming to ND! I know college is going to be a time to explore my sexuality, and I know hookups and relationships will happen. I’m looking forward to them, but I was wondering if interracial relationships and hookups are common. I’m part African American, but I’m often attracted to white guys! Do you think this will be a problem for me?
-Curious Freshman
Dear Curious Freshman,
I wish every freshman was as self-aware as you. “College is going to be a time to explore my sexuality.” YES, GIRL. YES IT WILL BE. You’re going to meet amazing people, some crappy people, probably have your heart broken at least once, maybe experiment with another girl, figure out what makes you tick, and hopefully leave Notre Dame a sexually confident young woman. I know I have, and I owe a lot of it to my past four years here, so I’m sending you many good vibes (as I am to all incoming freshman) via the interwebs. It’s no secret that Notre Dame isn’t the most diverse place on the planet. So I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that interracial relationships are a common occurrence, but I think that’s simply because we have such a small gene pool. I’ve never met someone here who has specifically said that they are opposed to dating and/or hooking up with someone of a particular ethnicity. I think everyone has a type, but it isn’t a hard limit for most people. I think whether they admit it or not, most people here have your same mentality— college is a time to explore and learn new stuff and meet new people. I cannot speak from experience because even though I am mixed race I look primarily white, but I’ve never known it to be an issue here. That being said, some people at Notre Dame aren’t as open minded as the rest of us, and you’ll find this wherever you go. Don’t let this small group of people throw shade just because you might be hooking up with a white guy. I dated an African American guy my sophomore year and I got some major hate from his African American female friends, but I DGAF. Seriously. You do what makes you happy. My type is tall, athletic, muscular, and sometimes not too bright (it’s definitely an ego trip when I’m the smarter one in the dynamic, yes I’ll admit it). Do people call me out on it? Sure. But it’s what makes me happy, and I’m not hurting anyone, so you do you. And if you have any problems, just give me a call.
I got your back, Gemma.
*Need hooking-up advice? Ask Gemma
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