Last week this girl I went to high school with posted an “article” entitled “The 10 Reasons You’re Still Single.” It was a typical list-style “article” from a website with a mainly female audience (much like this one). It pointed out the common mistakes women were making like “you intimidate men when you travel with a group of female friends,” “you text them too often,” “you are too picky,” and “you are not good at communicating that you are interested too.” Like most “articles” on these types of websites it was a bunch of dribble churned out by some cubicle squatter to stick up on a website next to advertising. But later that day, I saw another article with a similar title, “20 Reasons I’m Still Single.” It was a goofier, GIF packed piece that was self deprecating, but ultimately the same garbage that told women that eventually they too will find someone, and not to worry about being alone, all the while filling online content and selling advertising space. Then I saw one of my cousins post a very similar article with the comment “#7 so true.” Then I saw a girl in the Lafortune computer cluster reading “Ten Ways to Get a Boyfriend by Summer.”
Pandering to my audience much?
And then I spontaneously started vomiting all over these insipid women and their lists, and captioned GIFs masquerading as journalism, or semi-decent online filler content. I had to hold myself back from shouting at the girl in the computer cluster “you’re single because you have poor taste in entertainment, and you waste your time thinking about insignificant things!” This wouldn’t be an effective move. Then I’m just the lunatic who shouts at strangers in computer clusters, or comments on people whom she barely knows facebook posts. Instead I thought I’d go on an angry rant online and disguise it as a list article sure to attract exactly the audience of college aged women it’s targeted at. And now to live up to my title, here are the top ten reasons why I, personally, am still single.
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I am 20 years old.
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It is 2014. Unlike in our grandmothers’ generation, women are able to attend social events without an escort. If anything, a boyfriend would only hurt my social life.
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I do not buy into the marriage plot, and the institutionalization of marriage. The divorce rate is staggering in our society. People believe that they will be married by a certain age, or they should be married by a certain age. If they are unhappy, they think it is because they are alone. They think they need to get married because it is the next stage of their life. In actuality people have lived long happy lives and never gotten married. People have gotten married past the age of 35. Marriage is not just another box to check on the five year plan, or ten year plan, or whatever kind of plans people are making. I have no plans to get married unless I absolutely have to. Unless there is someone that I couldn’t not marry. That’s the only reason to get married, not because it’s the right time. The marriage plot is in full effect at Notre Dame. Ring by Spring, boyfriend by junior year, women talk about needing to have had a serious relationship under their belt before they graduate. They’re all buying into the propaganda divorce lawyers, Jared’s Galleria, and Macy’s Wedding department have banded together to produce, and personally I am buying none of it!
But like everyone’s doing it…
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I have interests, hobbies, and am generally very engaged inside and outside the classroom, and do not sit around thinking about the fastest ways to catch a boyfriend.
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Some men find my outspoken nature intimidating, and emasculating. I label these people immasculine wimps, this tends to further the cycle.
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I find it difficult to be attracted to men who do not get my sense of humor, and do not have a sense of humor. Amy Poehler once said “Girls, if a boy says something that’s not funny, you don’t have to laugh.” Furthermore, if a boy does not get your jokes, don’t stop making jokes, just stop talking to the dud.
What would Tina and Amy do?
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I have good masculine role models in my life, therefore high standards, and general self respect, and do not feel the need to take what I can get, or commit to anyone before I actually want to, or am ready to.
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Because though I am single, I am not alone, and even if I am alone, like if I go for a run alone, or go on a trip alone, I enjoy being a lone wolf out on the prowl, when I’m surrounded by friends and/or family, I enjoy that too.
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I am not jealous of people who are in relationships. Good for them! I just want everyone to be happy, and that includes the single ladies.
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My ridiculous dance that accompanies single ladies would be less than apropos.
Takeaway points: Enjoy your singlehood ladies, and for the love of god stop reading and posting lists bemoaning it. Maybe consider reading non-list style articles and pieces without GIFs. This may seem foreign at first, but there is a wide world of other online content and procrastination options out there. The web IS wide!