It was one of those lovely spring days where the sun and swaying trees etched cooling shadows on the ground. I was taking my time, strolling down Sherman to bask in the cloudless sky, and also flaunt my cute outfit that I could not wear any other Chicago day. I came across a couple cuddling on the chairs outside Unicorn Café, ice mochas sweating on their hands as the guy leaned in for a kiss. Of course, I didn’t have the decency to look away, so I just stared at them behind my shades, secretly branding them a cute couple. Suddenly, a gust of wind sent the trees crying in petals; the girl’s face twitched with discomfort, but before she could hold it back, there was a loud “ACHOOOO” and snot was sent flying onto her disgusted boyfriend. Spring is most certainly here.
Part of being in a relationship is being subject to some of the most intimate aspects of each other’s lives, sometimes including body fluids. Aside from the stuff you voluntarily give and receive through make-out seshes and sex, there’s also the not so welcoming stuff you deal with when your boyfriend’s sick, or simply being gross. But how comfortable you two are with each other could very well be defined by how well you can take each other’s grossness. The therapist in “Love and Other Disasters” can put it much better than I can:
“The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting. Stage one is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy, "Ooh, did you fart," followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy. A period I like to call the "Fart Honeymoon", where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world. But, of course, no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass thereby signifying true love, or else it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved.”
But what if you two are still in the conspiracy of silence stage? Here are some tips to get you through the night.
- You’re at his place, stuffing your face with nachos (while thinking to yourself you’ll work it off tomorrow) in front of a horror movie, when you feel the fiber in the your salad from dinner kicking in. If you don’t want to leave any hints of your dookie, you can throw some toilet paper into the toilet to dampen the sound, and also prevent any, uh, skid marks from exposing you.
- You make it through this round, and he’s snoring profusely next to you after some exerting nighttime activities. Suddenly, your lower abdomen churns in a way that only happens once a month, and you realize you have no pads or tampons. Using the go-to method of wrapping your undies in toilet paper is still risky because it won’t last you all night. Instead, try finding a clean sock if you can to form a more enduring faux pad.
- Finally, morning peeks through the curtains unwelcomed, mocking your disheveled state. You sneak into the bathroom before he’s awake to recreate the effortless bed hair look, when you see your eyes completely smothered with mascara and eyeliner. When it’s been set all night, water simply won’t do. Take some tissue and any lotion you can find to wipe it off, so you don’t end up rubbing your eyes sore.
With these tricks, your guy won’t have to learn about your human moments—yet. But then again if he’s truly a good catch, then he should accept you, smells and all, even if it means losing a sock or two.