As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, college students everywhere are dreading the inevitable questions from nosy relatives about their relationship status and GPA over Thanksgiving break. Some relatives, however, are harder to bear than others, and everyone has at least a few crazies in their family tree that make an appearance every holiday season seemingly just to make your experience more awkward. So here they are, the relatives to avoid this Thanksgiving season, ranked:
1. The Grandma who complains about the food
Every family has the complainer. The one who can’t get in the holiday spirit, and can’t seem to appreciate all the hard work that went into making this holiday happen. It’s probably your Dad’s mom, and your mother probably detests her. She didn’t put any work into the cooking, but watched as your Mom, Dad, aunts and uncles slaved away. She offered your Mom especially unflattering commentary – “Linda, dear, back in my day when the recipe called for diced tomatoes, we did NOT pour out a can of Rotel and call it a job well done.” Your mom holds back her biting comments and leaves it at a pointed look to your Dad – something that clearly conveys he will be hearing more about this sometime between the meal and his favorite pie. She’s not as sweet as she looks.
2. The younger relative with hygiene issues
No matter how old they get, your family members seem to keep popping out kids, and every Thanksgiving, when you think just about everyone is old enough not to be annoying anymore, a new toddler pops up in the brink of their terrible twos – and no, they aren’t cute as a button, Grandma. They’ll inevitably have some new-age name their parents thought was cool and ~edgy~ like how Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. Because they were raised on their parent’s complete disinterest and television, you will be put in charge of their care and Rylex, or whatever the kid’s name is, will scream his bloody head off until you put Scooby Doo in the DVD player upstairs. We hope for your salvation.
3. The Great Aunt with the really wet cheek kisses
I hope you planned ahead and put some tissues in your pocket, because you are definitely going to need to be prepared to wipe off a few layers of slobber from your cheek. Her lips are painted with some truly grotesque shade of fuchsia, and you think you see some on her teeth. Her lips are puckered before she’s even five feet away from you, and you can’t help but imagining the whole scene in slow motion with the Jaws music playing in the background. Without fail, a big, pink, mark will ruin any and all foundation you applied because lo and behold Auntie Anne’s lipstick was practically life proof.
4. Your Uncle who thinks he is WAY funnier than he ACTUALLY is
“If I hear one more pun today, I am literally going to lose it,” you think to yourself every Thanksgiving, as your Uncle Joe makes endless “jokes” about everything from the butter dish to the pumpkin pie. He has a propensity to wear four year old all white new balance sneakers, with the sole ripping off from the rest of the shoe. His college major was probably communications, and even after all that training in what you think has something to do with public speaking, his spit always finds its way right into your eyes. No matter how many times you blink, you can’t get him to notice. Oh well, at least he didn’t spit in your stuffing – oh wait, never mind.
5. The Trump supporter
If you have to hear about the potential for job opportunities once the wall is built one more time, you might literally pull a Van Gogh and cut off your ears. As if the shirt with the waving American flag didn’t clue you in to his political leanings, your Trump-supporting relative is also probably sporting a bumper sticker on his pick up that says something along the lines of “Hillary did Benghazi” or “Crooked Hillary.” They say they only voted for Trump because he addressed unemployment in the middle class, but his “Trump that Bitch” hat suggests otherwise. He’s just setting in on a rant about the failings of neoliberalism when your Dad sets the Turkey down in the middle of the table – give thanks for the small miracles. You’re sure he’ll bring it up again though, so your relief is short lived.
Whether you know none or all of these characters, make sure to remember to be thankful this Thanksgiving. The holidays may bring out some of the worst in all of us, especially our relatives, but the true spirit of the holiday can’t be broken by anyone, even some outrageous relatives.