If you or a friend has ever been the victim of a sexual assault, you are fully aware that sometimes the aftermath of the event can be as traumatic as the attack itself. People start asking questions, trying to make sure you’re not confused about what happened, asking if you were drinking or flirting with your attacker; it’s like you’re being assaulted all over again. Why is it that with other crimes such as robbery and murder, no one ever says “Well she was wearing a short skirt” or “Well he didn’t say I could rob him but he didn’t say I could not rob him either so I figured it was okay”? Why is rape the only crime where society tries to blame the victim? Rape myths are used to diminish the experience of rape, and they’re nothing more than lies, stories that people tell victims to make the crime seem excusable or to shift blame away from the attacker. They’re especially prevalent on college campuses where this crime is widely overlooked or swept under the rug. If you or a friend is ever sexually assaulted, you’ll probably hear at least one of these six accusations after the attack:
-
Were you drinking or smoking?
Here’s how this one plays out: if you were intoxicated, then it’s your fault for not being more careful. If your attacker was intoxicated, then they didn’t know what they were doing and shouldn’t be punished for not being able to control themselves. The difference between sex and rape is consent; if you are intoxicated in any way, then you cannot give consent. Whether you were drunk or he was drunk or both of you were drunk, it does not excuse a sexual assault.
-
What were you wearing? Oh, that dress, well it is pretty revealing.
I know people who have been sexually assaulted while in sweatpants and a sweater. Rape is not about sex, it’s about power, and being afraid to wear a sexy outfit to a party because of possible unwanted attention takes away your power over your body.
-
Were you flirting with him? It sounds like you wanted it.
Asking a guy to buy you a drink is not an invitation into your bedroom. In today’s culture, sex is assumed, not asked for. Never assume that dancing with or kissing someone at a party has to lead to anything more. If you want to sleep with him, go for it; if you don’t, he should respect your decision and not guilt or force you into doing anything you’re uncomfortable with.
-
Did you say no? Well if you didn’t say no then he probably assumed you wanted to.
The power to consent is bigger than you think; you can give it anytime you want and you can also take it away. Not saying “no” is not the same thing as saying “yes.” If at any point you feel uncomfortable or don’t want to go any further, stop. Once you take away your consent, whoever you’re with needs to respect your boundaries and take a step back; if they don’t, it’s considered a sexual assault.
-
He’s a good guy; this could really screw up the rest of his life.
Remember the Steubenville rape case? A 16-year-old girl was gang raped by two boys and the whole thing was caught on tape. When the boys went to court for their crimes, the media kept saying how sad it was that these boys’ lives were over and what promising futures they had. Those poor boys, they committed a horrible, depraved crime and now have to pay for what they did to that poor girl. If they robbed her or killed her, no one would even think to paint them in a sympathetic light. Instead the media decided to paint the criminals as the victims, as innocent kids who had such bright futures ruined because of a 16-year-old girl. We need to stop this backwards approach to rape where the victim is blamed, not her attackers.
-
You’ve had sex with other guys before – what’s one bad night?
A “bad night” is a term that basically means it’s okay to sleep with people you don’t want to sleep with. It’s that blurry area where you’re not sure if you want to have sex with someone, and many girls say they had a bad night when they had sex with someone they didn’t want to have sex with, or change their minds during the encounter but didn’t say anything. No matter how many people you’ve slept with, it does not excuse someone diminishing your assault by bringing up your sexual past. Having slept with other people does not mean it’s okay for someone to have sex with you without your consent. Whether you’re a virgin or not, you have complete power over who you want to have sex with, and if someone takes away that power, it’s considered rape.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of a sexual assault, do not be afraid to report it. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing or that he’s the star quarterback or how many people you slept with before; rape is rape, and your attacker needs to be held accountable for their actions. It can happen to men and women, at parties or in the park, but no matter the circumstances, it is never your fault and should not be excused anymore.