There are less than 8 weeks until Election Day (November 8 – mark your calendars!) and the number of undecided voters is still far higher than in any other modern presidential election year. So as a political enthusiast, I feel obligated to help educate the electorate… but as a humorist, I feel obligated to not bore you to literal tears. (That shouldn’t be too hard because I think we can all agree that this latest campaign cycle has been objectively ridiculous.)
Before things go full on crazy, let’s take this opportunity to look back on the never-ending Saturday Night Live skit that is the 2016 Presidential Election Race from the very beginning, starting with the key players:
2015
January – February
Nothing happens and it is cold.
March
March 23 – Ted Cruz (R) announces his candidacy. Pundits immediately decide he has no chance of winning. Americans immediately decide he is actually Grandpa Munster.
April
April 7 – Carrying on the family tradition of never having any hope of actually winning the presidency, Rand Paul (R) nobly tosses his name into the ring. America wonders what kind of person sees Justin Timberlake’s ramen noodle haircut circa 2002 and thinks, “I’m going to bring that style back.” (In case he thought he was bringing Sexy Back, newsflash: he wasn’t.)
April 12 – Hillary Clinton (D) announces her candidacy. Democrats everywhere are thrilled. Republicans everywhere are not. Bill Clinton pre-orders 100,000 balloons.
At his local diner, Bernie Sanders grabs a complimentary pack of crayons and the nearest Kidz Menu placemat and starts drawing up the plans for his candidacy. His waitress walks by and asks, “Hey there, Bernie, darlin’, anything else I can getcha today?”
“No thanks, Darlene, just the check.”
“Alright, well, the Early Bird Discount goes on til 5PM, so y’all just lemme know if there’s anything ya need! I’d use a discount too if I had the chance… This economy just doesn’t help people like me. Ever since the collapse of Wall Street-”
“DARLENE,” Bernie exclaims, “THAT’S IT!” He begins furiously scribbling on his placemat.
A revolution is born.
April 13 – Water bottle in hand, Marco Rubio (R) announces his candidacy.
April 30 – Bernie Sanders (D) announces his candidacy. Darlene is thrilled. Hillary and Bill laugh heartily because there’s no way a straight, old, white dude could monopolize the millennial vote in the year 2016…
May
May 4 – Carly Fiorina (R) and Ben Carson (R) announce their candidacies on the same day. This marks the first and last time Ben Carson is awake during his campaign.
May 5 – Mike Huckabee (R) announces his candidacy. America is sure they’ve heard his name before, but where?
May 27 – Clad in a smart sweater vest, Rick Santorum (R) announces his candidacy and prays we’ve all forgotten about the definition of Santorum on Urban Dictionary.
May 30 – Martin O’Malley (D) announces his candidacy. The GOP is thrilled that it’s their turn to ask “who?!” for once.
June
June 1– Lindsey Graham (R) announces his candidacy. Carly Fiorina is worried he’ll steal the female Republican vote until an aide informs her that “Lindsey” can be a man’s name, too. Lindsey is still the only belle at the Republican Ball, though:
June 3 – Lincoln Chafee (D) announces his candidacy. His wife says, “That’s nice, dear,” while lazily thumbing through a magazine. No one else hears him (nor would they care, even if they did).
June 4 – Rick Perry (R): 1. announces his candidacy, 2. insists he’s going to win the Republican nomination, and 3. um… uh… dang, I forget the third thing. “Oops.”
June 15 – Jeb Bush (R) announces his candidacy. The only person who seems stoked is the campaign’s graphic designer.
June 16 – Real estate billionaire and conspiracy theorist Donald Trump (R) announces his candidacy from Trump Tower in NYC. A few hundred miles south, residents of Washington, D.C. look around, confused, searching for the source of that strange noise.
“Mr. President, please stop laughing. I wasn’t telling you a joke. Trump really is running.
Obama immediately starts writing up a list of all the shade he’ll throw at the next Donald Trump Roast on Comedy Central. His staff hasn’t seen him this happy since the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner:
June 22 – Jill Stein (G) announces her candidacy. A nation-wide poll conducted the next day finds that 99% of Americans have never heard of her, 74% of Americans have never heard of the Green Party, and 100% of Ralph Naders still think the Green Party is relevant.*
*These numbers might be accurate, but they probably aren’t.
June 24 – Bobby Jindal (R) announces his candidacy. No one cares one way or another except for his staff, and they’re honestly just pleased they were able to talk him out of using “Brown Is In Town” as the official campaign slogan.
June 30 – Chris Christie (R) announces his candidacy. New Jersey is thrilled, because now he’s the entire nation’s problem for once.
July
July 13 – Cheeseheads across Wisconsin cheer when Scott Walker (R) throws his name into the ring. In his announcement speech, Walker makes it very clear: He’s not here to make friends; he’s here to win America’s Next Top White Guy.
July 21 – John Kasich (R) announces his candidacy. After no one can agree on how to pronounce his last name, he helpfully clarifies that it rhymes with “basic.” White girls everywhere smirk into their frappuccinos.
August
Aug. 22 – Jimmy “The Rent Is Too Damn High” McMillan (R) announces his candidacy and reminds the world that the rent is still too damn high. Donald Trump shrugs and continues charging outrageous sums of money for apartments in Trump Tower.
September – December
No one important enters the race. Americans look on in horror as the candidates devolve into tantrum-throwing toddlers on national television.
2016
January
Jan. 6 – Not to be left out of the fun, Gary Johnson (L) belatedly enters the race. The poor guy has no idea what he’s signing up for…
Jan. 31 (nighttime) – One by one, voters across America climb into bed and fall into deep, blissful slumbers. Sure, the race has been a complete shitshow so far, but things will settle down after the Iowa Caucus is over the next day. After all, we are a civil democracy. What could possibly go wrong?
February
Feb. 1 – It is the day of the Iowa Caucus. All hell breaks loose
Stay tuned for Part 2!