As this year closes with finals, I will be the first to admit that my first year of college did not go as smoothly as I hoped. Homesickness was my biggest weakness. I desperately missed my friends from high school and felt very uneasy when I went too long with calling one of them. My issues dealing with this large change forced me to get help from the counselors on campus, who reminded me I had the tools to handle this. I heavily considered transferring, though.
I entered college like every other freshmen: bright-eyed, anticipatory, anxious, and a little weary. As soon as my parents left, I felt restless. I didn’t rush or know many people off the bat; I suddenly felt tremendously alone. I was now four hours from home and many more from my closest friends at their schools. I felt like a fish out of water.
Throughout high school, I looked forward to going off to college. College was advertised as what would be the greatest years of my life, since high school certainly wasn’t. It was going to be this great change with new people and new experiences and new opportunities. I longed to get out of my hometown. That is, until senior year rolled around. I loved my friends, I loved my teachers, and I loved my home. It was just that, home.
I slowly made a few friends here or there, but something still didn’t feel right. Murray wasn’t home; St. Louis was. I eagerly awaited tryouts for the dressage team, hoping horseback riding was the missing piece to why I felt so out of place. I became heavily involved in my studies; I got ahead in any class that I could, whether it was taking notes before class or turning in assignments early. It was a nice distraction being able to ride during weekly team practices and always having my nose in my schoolwork. I rarely went out; I spent a lot of time in my dorm. By the end of fall semester, between emotional drama, stressful academics, and family emergencies, I was burned out.
Spring semester came with a whole new perspective despite all of this. I was eating vegetarian again, and I was starting to practice yoga again in the mornings, two aspects of my life that bring peace to my mind and body. I hit the ground running with my classes, excelling on all of my first tests, and began reaching out to my classmates in efforts to make more friends. Along with riding for the dressage team, I joined Her Campus, and everything went up from there. Writing was my outlet, and new friends forced me to leave my room and explore my new environment. A new perspective truly changed my second semester for the better.
(Photo by Levi Guzman on Unsplash)
The homesickness never fully went away. There will always be a piece of me that considers St. Louis my home and no college experience will be able to change that. Finding a support system that allowed me to be vulnerable while reminding me of the good things in my life was the key. I still cried a lot this first year of college. The difference being the reason behind the tears; boy drama and homesickness turned into laughing fits and celebration.
All in all, college was nothing like I expected. People post on social media what they want you to believe their college life is. They want you to believe they’re thriving and living their best lives when that might not always be the case. By opening up about these real emotions and struggles, we can facilitate a conversation with a safe environment where it is okay to not thrive immediately or even at all during the first year of college. It is a momentous transition that may require some outside help to get through. But mostly, you are not a failure if it doesn’t work out the first time around. A third of college students end up transferring. It is hard to predict how you will react in an environment until you are living in it. Keep in mind, though, things can improve if you put the effort in. Make yourself uncomfortable. Talk to that person sitting next to you. Join that club. Make positive change happen for yourself. I did, and, while thriving isn’t the word I would use, I am doing better than I was. That self-improvement is what made me stick around for another year.