**Author’s note: This article focuses on the sexual relationships between straight, cisgender females and males residing in the U.S. By no means is this meant to discriminate against those who identify outside of the gender binary or as members of the LGBTQ community.
An introduction of the orgasm revolution
After my initial sexual debut, I began noticing most of my following sexual encounters ensued a similar pattern: my orgasm or satisfaction wasn’t a priority in comparison to my partner’s. Whether the guy I was with was a consistent sexual partner or not, sexy time usually ended right after they came regardless if I was finished. Each time I walked away feeling discouraged and dissatisfied, and I thought I was the only woman who felt this way.
Women have confessed only experiencing moderate pleasure through penetration during sexual intercourse. In fact, a recent study reported on the Healthy Women website reveals that over 62 percent of women in the U.S. have reported feeling sexually unsatisfied.
It seems as though the vast majority of women living in the U.S. are still too timid to discuss taboo topics, like their sex lives. That are only seen as such because of past patriarchal influences of women’s supposed roles in society. There is a need for females to be perceived as modest, or else they are metaphorically burned at the stake.
Testimonials: why does true sexual satisfaction for women matter?
Mediocre sexual relationships can leave a woman feeling dejected and unsatisfied. Kim Cattrall, famously known for her role as Samantha Jones from “Sex in the City,” claims in Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm, a book she co-authored with her husband Mark Levinson, that before her marriage to Levinson, that her feeling of sexual dissatisfaction metastasized into something even greater — a repression of her inner goddess — feeding into the stereotype that females just aren’t all that sexual compared to their male counterparts.
In defense of some women, being submissive to a dominant male is the kind of sexual dynamic they prefer in the bedroom — which is 100 percent valid. On the other hand, I know numerous women, including myself, who are afraid to voice their sexual desires and dislikes for fear of upsetting — or even losing — their man.
“When a man fully satisfies a woman, he frees her from harboring negative feelings such as frustration, disappointment, and anger,” Cattrall explains (42.)
Women need to be collectively advocating for our “right to come,” because our sexual satisfaction matters too.
Another celebrity at the forefront of the orgasm revolution is Nicki Minaj — who demands an orgasm every time. Every. Single. Time.
“I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that. I have a friend who’s never had an orgasm in her life. In her life! That hurts my heart,” Minaj declares in an interview with Cosmopolitan.
Scientifically, orgasms can have positive effects on both the body and mind. This can be explained by the release the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which can help to alleviate symptoms of depression. The Big O can also boost one’s immune system and mood and decreases stress levels.
Women have had more experience with their bodies and as a result, have a better understanding of what makes them feel good than males. Regardless of your partner’s gender identity, you need to able be comfortable voicing your desires, as open communication is key to achieving true sexual fulfillment. Delaying the discussion about your sexual dissatisfaction can turn it into another obligation hanging over your head, and subsequently makes you avoid them longer.
Men, like all humans, cannot read minds, and unless they are directly informed on how their actions are affecting you, they won’t know to make you feel good. Some men are unaware of their partner’s dissatisfaction — mainstream media has conditioned men to believe that their own satisfaction is more important than their partners, and that women will be satisfied with very little effort.
Filing your request: How to talk to your mans
Remember that the following suggestions listed below are meant to start a dialogue, and that everyone has different sexual preferences and methods of communication.
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Before stating your dissatisfaction, go through a mental checklist: do you know what turns you on, and can you communicate what that is? For example, some women prefer to climax WITHOUT vaginal stimulation, while others DO. Women do need to take initiative in knowing their orgasm in order to successfully direct their man.
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Regardless of what message is being delivered, it’s all about the method of communication. Offering constructive criticism shouldn’t result in putting someone on defense, especially in regards to something as personal as one’s sexual performance. Sometimes communication doesn’t have to be verbal. Indeed, words can actually confuse messages about what feels sexy. An easy nonverbal technique is to moaning or another soft sounds when your partner is making you feel good — and staying quiet when they are a bit off.
What women can do
Good sex and orgasms require some level of emotional vulnerability — or surrender. Something to keep in mind is some sexual acts you’ll find most pleasurable will probably not feel that way the first time around until you learn to let go and embrace in the feeling.
Only when a foundation of trust and respect has been built, can a level of mutual intimacy and be achieved. In other words, some women will need time to build trust, security and comfort in embracing their inner goddess.
Besides having a discussion with your partner about your overall lack of sexual satisfaction, there are things women can do during foreplay and intercourse to increase the likelihood of orgasming.
First, you could begin by moving your hips more back and forth, arching your back, and just letting your body loosen up to fully express your feelings.
What men can do: understanding the female body
According to the LA Times, The clitoris is 2.5 to 4 cm away from the vaginal cavity, depending on the individual’s physical makeup. Most sexual positions don’t stimulate this magic button.
A practice exercise for fellas to understand the power of clitoral stimulation is by seducing their pointer finger. Although a finger won’t elicit the intense stimulation as the clitoris, it can give you an idea of how much pressure to apply the clitoris.
Penises are essentially over-developed clitorises while clitorises are underdeveloped penises, but clitorises actually are more sensitive than the male’s erogenous zone. To put this fact into perspective, the clitoris has more than 8,000 sensory nerve endings versus the 4,000 in the penis.
Levinson explains men tend to think of sex in a linear way, and by that he means in and out. On the other hand, women tend to experience penetration in a circular way because of the curvature of the vaginal canal. This explains why the sensation of a penis moving in and out of the vagina MAY lead to an orgasm, but intercourse can be more effective if coupled with motions that imitate the arc of a circle (82.)
“Men should consider what is like to make love without ever achieving climax. The thought alone should be inspiration to leave no stone unturned in the quest to give her the utmost pleasure when making love,” writes Levinson.
I encourage men to keep this perspective in mind when having sex with a woman — to imagine what never orgasming with your partner is like. On a similar note, I challenge women to stand up for their orgasms and remember you are worthy of feeling good.