One of my biggest struggles is something I couldn’t put a finger on for a very long time: being an ambivert.
I was too quiet for the loud people, too loud for the quiet people, and I never even knew there was a name for it. What I did know was that when it came to interacting with people, some days it was the best thing and some days it was dreadful – I mean legitimately dreadful.
What Exactly is an Ambivert?
According to Science of People, an ambivert is “a person who exhibits qualities of introversion and extroversion.” An extrovert is a person who is typically outgoing and enjoys being around people. An introvert is the opposite. While an extrovert may get their energy from being around people, an introvert gets theirs from some alone time.
When I Noticed
Now that I know what an ambivert is, I would say that I have been one my whole life. However, it wasn’t until I began college, and after I convinced myself that I wasn’t going crazy, that understood what was going on and accepted that it was okay.
If you were to ask me to describe myself, I’d probably say outgoing, but very reserved. Quiet, but very loud. A “party girl,” but a homebody. I like big crowds but they have to be intimate in a sense, meaning I need to know everyone I’m with as well.
While I wanted to be social my first year of college, it was a struggle because I wanted it to be in a controlled environment. It’s not a struggle for me to have a conversation with a stranger (I mean I am a part-time extrovert), it’s the setting that determines which personality trait prevails.
So during Welcome Week, when the campus was swarmed with people and at its loudest, I was the opposite. If I wanted to be in “the atmosphere of people,” I would just sit nearby. As a result, I don’t think I made a lot of friends the first week. The outgoing side of me was dying to interact, but I knew it would’ve drained me to be “out” for that long. It was safe to say that my personality decided to stay “in.”
It wasn’t until a friend of mine invited me to a party that I broke my shy-girl façade. What’s interesting is that it was the same scenario as Welcome Week – loud music, a packed room of people, no chance of isolation – everything an introverted me would hate and I loved it. I was the most social I had been that week, I met almost everyone in the room and even found myself at the center of the dance floor!
Now that I look back, I know what made the two scenarios different: the setting.
In the dorm party, it was controlled. We were inside of one room, and by showing up, I agreed to be in that extroverted setting. I had time to mentally prepare myself, the 411 on who was going to be there and a specific time slot for this “extroversion” mapped out.
It may sound nuts, but as an ambivert, the constant see-saw of being “in or out” is a daily struggle.
But as soon as the party was over and crowds of people filled the halls, I was back to my introverted shell. It was too much and I just wanted to get back to a private space. The people who experienced me as an extrovert were excited to interact with me afterward, but I was already “in.” I could tell they were confused.
They were good people, of course. But when I noticed they couldn’t turn off, or tone down their “extroversion,” I noted it to myself that the only way I could tolerate them was if I planned on it.
In fact, I realized that I worked best that way. I felt pressure around my extroverted friends because there was always an urge to do random things in large groups. I dreaded spontaneous parties or plans because I wasn’t “mentally prepared” for it. It might sound funny but it’s so true – unplanned interaction with people would dreadful to me.
Crowding the Doorway
It was hard being in the middle.
I found myself flip-flopping between my introverted and extroverted self constantly and it was exhausting.
If I spent too much time being reserved, I needed to even it out by being “in the mix” with some outgoing friends. If I couldn’t find an even mix, then I just chose to be by myself. People would get offended by how much I interacted with them, or the lack thereof. I didn’t realize how confusing I had to come off to other people. But one thing I was certain about was that it wasn’t a flaw.
At that point, I had never been more thankful for the lifelong friends that I had prior to college. I understand now that we mesh so well because they cater to both sides of my personality.
Hopping from side to side in school had become so exhausting, but I was grateful for being surrounded by different types of personalities because it helped me understand myself.
For a while, I felt like I was just “some-timey,” sometimes I felt like it, and sometimes I didn’t, but in the end, I learned to embrace my ambivert qualities and I stopped putting myself in scenarios where I knew I would be uncomfortable in order to have a good time.
Currently, I feel no shame in a personal Netflix and chill after turning down the best random party of the semester. I finally understand my personality now and my school friends have picked up on it too.
I’m the most outgoing, energetic person you’d ever meet in class, work or at events, but if you saw me walking by, you’d probably say the opposite.
It’s the best of both worlds – I don’t know why I ever felt like it was a bad thing. So don’t get stuck trying to be “in” or “out.” Crowd the doorway! You never know what people you’ll come across.