Over the weekend I had the pleasure of visiting the very Catholic University of St. Thomas. I met with my best friend from high school, and she led me on a tour of the grounds, including the famous Chapel of St. Thomas Aquinas. While we were in the chapel, I was given a pamphlet on the importance of Chastity and Dating.
Now, as the daughter of a Lutheran pastor, I am no stranger to the concept of purity. ‘Chastity’ comes from the Latin term castus, meaning “pure.” It is the concept of abstaining from sex outside of marriage. According to Wikipedia: Chastity is sexual conduct of a person that is deemed praiseworthy and virtuous according to the moral standards and guidelines of their culture, civilization or religion. Chastity is taught in almost every Christian religion and is mandatory for many Eastern religions including Islam, Sikhism and Jainism.
Before my father became ordained and was re-baptized as a Lutheran, we belonged to an extremely conservative Baptist church. When a young woman becomes “of age” in the church we belonged to, it was tradition for them to take a virginity pledge. As a 10-year-old, I stood up in front of all my beaming relatives and pledged to give myself to God in body and in spirit until my husband came along and I could give him “my most precious gift in life,” my virginity.
It wasn’t the fact that I was given this pamphlet on a Catholic campus that surprised me, it was what many of the Catholic students had to say about it. As I sat around with girls I had just met that day on campus and my best friend since high school, I was shocked by the outcry of support they held for girls who choose to have sex, despite what their religion teaches. I asked to know more about their thoughts on chastity.
(all interviewees consented to their responses being published)
Kim, a freshman at the University of St. Thomas, was raised in a traditional Catholic home, and she was taught to believe that your virginity is a gift for your husband. If she didn’t wait for her husband, then he wouldn’t want to be with her. “This is really inaccurate. I know in Vietnamese culture, many women never speak up if they were raped, because then their reputation is ruined, and they will never marry. I don’t believe that the true test of love is whether or not you’ve had sex with other people. I believe that if your spouse really loves you, they will want you regardless of the things (or people) you’ve done in the past. A person’s morality shouldn’t be judged off of whether or not they remained a virgin until marriage. You can be a good person and have faith even if you choose to have sex outside of marriage.”
Paige, a Freshman at Minnesota State University Mankato, was raised with the same Catholic ideology of giving your virginity as a gift to your husband. “My parents would have preferred that I waited until marriage, but it was ultimately my choice and my decision. I chose to have sex because it felt right and there was no pressure to do so, I wanted to be with the one I love and the person I want to marry. If years down the line, I choose to be with someone else, I would hope that the person I’m with wouldn’t hate or love me for a past decision I made.”
Savannah, also a freshman at University of St. Thomas, stated that “I want to respect all religions. I admire people who can wait until marriage, I just feel that chastity should be practiced for the right reasons, not because of all the negative connotations around being a non-virgin. If you are willing to make that promise to God, and it’s something you want to do, go for it! However, the concept of chastity can really mess with a person’s feelings of being pure. For example, women who have been sexually assaulted. It makes me upset that women who have experienced something like that feel they are “dirty” or somehow of lesser worth because they don’t have their virginity. Your virginity isn’t your life’s greatest gift. There is a stereotype out there that once one man puts his hands on you, you are a used baby wipe. There is so much more to an individual regardless of whether or not their hymen is intact.”
Sydney, a freshman at Hamline University, agreed with Savannah’s statement and also stated that “the concept of chastity bothers me because your virginity is purely a social construct. It is used to take away a woman’s femininity, and make her seem worthless. Like somehow without your virginity, you are less of a woman. To men you are less desireable. What gives a man the right to define your worth? Define your own worth.”
I didn’t wait until marriage, I broke my purity vow years ago, and I don’t feel that makes me any less of a woman or any less desirable. I know not everyone will feel the same way, but I can offer two pieces of advice from my time spent at the University of St. Thomas and that is:
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Only you can decide what’s best for you and your sex life. If you choose to wait until marriage, or don’t, make that decision freely, safely, and because you feel it’s the best choice for you.
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You are more than your virginity status. Never let that interfere with what you want or define who you are.