Coexistence is an art.
Experience fosters sophistication, but sometimes assistance is necessary to survive.
So here it is quick and dirty: how to live with a college roommate.
Play Nice, Princess.
First and foremost, establish a relationship with your roommate. By no means does this imply that you two have to be good friends (or friends at all, really.) Simply show some regard for her humanity. Ask about her family or values or most superficial interests, like whether she prefers coffee or tea, for God’s sake. Regardless of your similarities (or lack thereof), context eases the difficulties that accompany living with a stranger. And hey, showing interest might just catalyze a fantastic friendship and/or prevent your year from spiraling into a scene from The Roommate.
“Zero Boundaries” Is an Illusion.
As laidback as you want to appear, she will see right through your cool exterior soon enough. Stop losing taste buds to tongue biting, and address a few ground rules. Determine the sharing status of items. Establish territory (without urinating on furniture— that’s bitchy). Ban people with bad vibes from entrance. Whatever those ground rules may be, they will ensure you and your roommate start off on the same page. And depending upon their authenticity, your individual rules can loosely predict the nature of your relationship.
A Little Non-Intrusive Stalking Never Hurts.
Familiarize yourself with her schedule. Ask her to lend you a copy, but if you haven’t followed rule #4 and/or you never intend to hold any respectable title in this world, an alternative would be to sit in your room for five (or seven, if she’s that predictable) days and record her arrival and return times. This way, you can sneak in an uninterrupted nap or watch Netflix in the nude without horribly offending her. And once you determine when she gets up in the morning, you can decide whether or not to ditch the snooze button. Have you ever heard of PTSD? After a year of rude awakenings, the sound of an alarm will trigger it, guaranteed.
Blunt Up, Bitch.
I get that your aloofness began as an attempt to maintain peace with a “stranger,” but labels dissolve with the passage of time (two weeks, tops.) And when aloofness evolves into a more intellectual passivity, you are playing with fire. Be direct with issues and preferences. It is more efficient, and your Post-it notes requesting that she remove her hair from the drain are less likely to show up on Twitter the next day.
Keep Your Hairs to Yourself.
In continuance with this talk of hair in drains, don’t let your hair fall into the drain. Yes, your luscious curls look phenomenal waterfalling off your scalp. But the moment they detach, they transform into a soul-sucking parasite to everyone else. Brush your hair before you hop in the shower, or make an effort to eliminate any lingering locks. And if you allow the drain to become your hair sweeping servant, expect a slimy extraction in the near future.
You’re Not Robin Hood, and “Redistribution” Requires Reception by More People Than Yourself.
Unless you are incredibly discreet, she knows you’ve been taking her food/makeup/laundry detergent/whatever hot commodity it may be for the past three weeks. And despite my high regard for a sly fox, suppress the klepto and access the human. Your roommate is equally poor, and depending upon the longevity of your stealing streak, likely more malnourished. Surplus is often a precedent to recession; when she faces a shortage, she has all the incentive to pursue your stash.
Become A Better Person.
And when she does pursue that stash, recognize the justification behind her actions. If all else fails, utilize sharing a room with another person as an opportunity to improve upon yourself. Develop some patience. Expand your perspectives. Practice humility. Forgive and… well, don’t forget; outlandish roommate situations make for hilarious stories later on. Although a year seems like eternity at the moment, the reality is that it composes a tiny portion of your existence here on earth. So bitch and moan to third parties, but remember the privilege it is to have a college roommate in the first place.