Howdy a**hat,
It’s me. The girl who purposely sat next to you in Algebra, only to ask you questions she already knew the answer to. The girl who made a point to save drafts of cute texts on her phone to surprise you with a smile when you were having a bad day. The girl who you repeatedly told that she knew you better than you even knew yourself. I know it’s been awhile since we last spoke, but let me jog your memory about what you did to the person I was when I was with you.
The girl I used to be lit up when she saw your face and everyone around her could tell that she was madly in love. She thought about you every moment that she could and didn’t doubt for a second that you would be the person she spent the rest of her life with.
And you took advantage her insecurities when you knew she would have done anything to prove her worth to you.
That girl had a novel full of insecurities that you embraced at first glance. You comforted the inner voices in her head telling her she’s too fat, too stupid, too weak, too awkward, too much of this and too little of that. She knew deep down that a silly boy shouldn’t be the person she turned to when she was feeling down about herself, but the validation just felt too damn good to stop. You wrapped your arms around each one of the problems she faced within herself and you knew what to say to make her feel better. She became dependent on the constant praise from you and she slowly dwindled the production of these compliments to herself.
But you soon found out that it’s just as easy to make her feel amazing as it is to ruin every piece of self love she thought she had. If the two of you were having one of your many arguments over who knows what, it became second nature for you to criticize more than just her point of view. You knew that your words would circle around her every single time she looked in a mirror. She would see the girl staring back at her but instead of her own voice telling her that she needed to lose weight, she would hear yours. Your voice became louder than hers, especially in the midst of her eating disorder. It was the driving force to keep pushing her to do so many things that hurt her to do. You made her feel so low, so powerless. Even on the days where she didn’t hate herself as much as usual, you told her that her destructive behaviors were still not working.
It’s pretty messed up to think, but among her lowest points that you made her go to, she was still looking up to you for that validation you once gave her. Her memories of how you first treated her drove her to insanity. She made excuses for your behavior and believed you when you texted her saying it was your last time hurting her. She screenshotted those messages and recited to herself over and over that things were going to be okay.
You two went through the cycle of abuse on a weekly basis: You would mentally abuse her, she would cry in her bed for days, you would fall to your knees and apologize, she would finally forgive you, and you two would enter a honeymoon phase where all of the pieces would fit back together. Then the cycle would begin again. After almost two years of this constant abuse, she was starting to realize that this would be the pattern for the rest of her life. She knew that she would be indefinitely unhappy with you, but she didn’t think she had it in her to leave. She knew she wasn’t strong enough. Or at least that’s what you told her.
But guess what? She did leave. And it hurt every single day. She cried to her mom, her dad, her younger brother, her friends…whoever would give her the time of day. It took everything out of her to keep you a part of her past because she didn’t want to live the rest of her life attached to someone who was so toxic. She had to remind herself of everything awful you had ever done to her so she wouldn’t cave in and text you that she misses you in a moment of agony. Her mind wandered to the idea that somehow you two could eventually work once you grew up a little bit. She had to let the possibility of the two of you strolling off into the sunset hand in hand go because she knew that a narcissistic, abusive person like you would never change.
So here I am. I know I seem a little different now. I know that I’m definitely not the girl you fell in love with so long ago. I like to think that you wouldn’t even recognize the person I’ve become, knowing as much about the new me as you do a random person on the street. I’ve rebuilt myself in this year of extreme hurt and learned more about myself than I ever could have imagined. I don’t wake up every single morning with you on my mind anymore. You’re not the last thing that I think about before I fall asleep. My heart doesn’t physically ache when I see a picture of us together. Though I’m definitely not completely healed from your abuse, I’m on my damn way. I’ve accepted that I’m a work in progress and that I don’t need validation from anyone.
I’d love to end this letter on a happy note, maybe wishing you the best or something along those lines, but don’t hold your breath because all you’re getting from me is a much needed big ol’ F U.
Sincerely,
A Strong Ass Woman