Trigger warning: this feature contains potentially distressing and upsetting material
I’d wake up in the morning, and for a split second everything was okay. But then I’d remember. I’d remember that every night for the last three months I’d cried myself to sleep. I remembered the sadness, the emptiness and the guilt I felt. And all at once, the pain I’d been feeling for so long came rushing back to fill me completely. I’d lie in bed, trying to decide how I’d make it through the day. Would I begin drinking at 7 am? Would I cut my wrists and my hips? Would I stay in the safety of my bed and cry or sleep? Or would I put on the bravest face I could, and act like I was fine. Whatever poison I picked would bring me to the same place at the end of the day: Right back in bed, crying myself to sleep once again. After letting this vicious cycle tear me apart for far too long, it eventually drove me to rock bottom: in an ambulance, on the way to spend a week in inpatient psychiatric care.
I wish someone had told me my depression didn’t have to get that bad in order for me to get better. If I would’ve known that I had nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty for, my depression wouldn’t have pushed me to the point of wanting to take my own life. I should’ve asked for help. I wish I knew that it wasn’t a sign of weakness; but a sign of incredible strength. I had a loving family, supportive friends and I was going to be a college athlete. I had nothing to be sad about. My life was great to anyone looking at it. There were people all around me who had a far worse life than I did. I wish I knew that you didn’t need to have a reason to be depressed. I wish I had understood that I wasn’t just sad, or selfish, or insecure. I wish I knew that I was sick.
14.8 million American adults are affected every year by major depressive disorder. A survey done by the American College Health Association stated that “nearly half of all college students report feeling so depressed at some point in time that they have trouble functioning.” Approximately one out of eight women will develop clinical depression. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people 15-24 years old in America. While these statistics show the colossal amount of people affected by depression, there’s still a negative stigma around it. Society delegitimizes all mental illnesses, saying they aren’t “real medical conditions.” If you were to break your arm, you would go get a cast. Having strep throat would result in an antibiotic prescription. If you’re sick or injured, you seek proper medical treatment. Depression is no different.
It’s easy to tell yourself that it’s just a phase, and you’ll snap out of your funk soon. I can tell you firsthand that ignoring your depression in hopes that it’ll go away can escalate quickly and dangerously. You don’t have to hit rock bottom to get better. Believe me when I say that seeking out help isn’t a sign of weakness, but that of immense strength. Although it may be terrifying to reach out to someone, you do have people that want to help. There are people in your life who want you to be happy. On campus, there are so many resources for those seeking help with depression. Crisis/Urgent Consultations are available every weekday on campus as well as stress check-in’s, and online therapy. Depression support applications for your phone offer online chatting, daily check-ins, or activities to help with your mental illness. There are student groups specifically for those dealing with mental illnesses on campus, and hotlines for calling and texting are available 24/7, whether you’re in a crisis, or if you simply just want to talk. There is also a site created by the University of Minnesota Center for Spirituality & Healing that talks in-depth about depression; from symptoms, to medications, to different healing practices that you might benefit from.
You deserve to feel whole, to wake up every day with a purpose and a desire to live. The uphill battle of beating depression is a daunting one. I’d be lying if I said that my depression is gone. Even though it’s been over two years since I was hospitalized, I’ve had days that have felt impossible. There have been times where I feel like I’ve made no progress in battling my mental illness. The stone cold fact is that depression is not temporary, and it will never fully go away. It’s a part of you., but that doesn’t mean you can’t live a full and happy life. There will come a point where everything you do isn’t dominated by your depression. Fighting your depression will be the hardest damn thing you’ll ever do, but you’re worth it. Take the first step in getting better, and reach out for help. I promise, you are not alone.
If you or someone you know is in need of help, please utilize these resources…
Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433
Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863
Boynton Mental Health Clinic: 410 Church St. SE, Minneapolis, MN, 55455. 612-624-1444
Crisis/Urgent Consultation hours: M-F 8:00am-4:30pm.
UMN Crisis Connection (24-hour phone counseling): 612-301-4673
UMN Textline: Text “UMN” to 61222
Aurora Center: 612-626-9111
Student Counseling Services: 612-624-3323
Disability Resource Center: 612-626-1333