“Love shouldn’t hurt” – the motto of Domestic Violence Services (DVS) as well as the wisdom for healthy relationships.
We continue to mourn the loss of Karlie Hall, a Millersville University freshman, who died February 8 in her dorm with signs of physical abuse. This article serves to empower you with knowledge to identify a friend, relative or maybe yourself, when a relationship turns abusive. As unique individuals, we sometimes discover our values clash with others, yet this should not escalate to uncomfortable and grave situations.
On February 13, a gathering of students, staff, faculty (current and retired) and others met in the Student Memorial Center to discuss initiatives to increase awareness and decrease violence related to dating. Among some ideas were: support groups, bystander involvement, awareness of same-sex abuse, increased discussion during freshmen orientation, requiring a one-credit course on female violence and increasing awareness of currently offered services (on campus and locally). At least five large posters of ideas filled the walls after the constructive 75-minute discussion.
Here are some ways to identify abuse:
- Emotional/Verbal – are you called names, yelled/screamed at, stopped from seeing others, stalked, threatened or made to feel guilty.
- Physical – is there intentional and unwanted contact, regardless of whether or not there is pain or leaves a mark? Grabbing you in any way, throwing something and preventing you from leaving are examples
- Stalking – do you receive unwanted gifts, messages or voicemails? Do they use other people as a way to investigate your life or wait by places you hang out?
- Sexual – are you pressured or coerced into something sexually you don’t want to do? This can include unwanted kissing, touching, repeatedly using sexual insults, refusing to use condoms or restrict use of birth control. Also, even if there was no resist, this is still considered abuse without any consenting “yes.”
- Financial – does the other person closely monitor purchases, spend money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same or hide a student aid check?
- Digital – are you told who you can friend online, asked for your password, sent unwanted explicit pictures, demanded to send explicit pictures, or sent insulting/negative messages online?
For a detailed list of behaviors to watch out for and advice to keep in mind, please visit www.loveisrespect.org
This “What Would You Do?” social experiment uses two sets of abusive couples in a public setting to watch how strangers respond:
“Why get involved?” the host asks the women who intervened.
- “There’s a lot of people that get abused and hurt and nobody does anything about it. They just stand there and they don’t do anything.“
- “I didn’t know if he was going to take her home and beat her to death. I’d like someone to [offer support in a dangerous situation] for me.”
Sometimes a person’s bad side is overlooked by enjoying the positive parts that make us happy. Sometimes abusers skillfully force us to cut ties with the ones who love and protect us, leaving them alone and trapped. Sometimes abusers are the sole provider of food, shelter and love, and we struggle through in order to survive. We don’t like to ask for help and often overlook the power of others’ empathy. Those of us fortunate to be on the outside hold priceless power by advocating for someone living in fear, or by offering temporary shelter and meals when we ourselves are comfortable. The short awkwardness of asking “How are you? No, I’m serious, what’s going on?” is easier to cope with compared to the horrible loss of control in abuse.
The university president, John M. Anderson, shared in an email to students that “our peer health educator team, which focuses on dating violence, will be renamed “Karlie’s Angels.” Karlie’s Angels provides workshops, hosts awareness events, help girls value themselves and offers information on domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and healthy/unhealthy relationships to their peers.
- For more information on counseling services, visit the Lyle Hall Counseling Center or call (717) 872–3122.
- To contact the Lancaster DVS at www.dvslanc.org or calling their 24-hour hotline at (717) 299–1249.
- If you are feeling depressed, lonely or suicidal, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-SUICIDE or 800-273-TALK.