So you’re back on the market. If the cause of your break up was somewhat civil and didn’t involve lying, outside parties or other infidelities, then it’s likely that you took part in the “this doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends” discussion, and well frankly, it’s sad to say that more often than not, breaking up with your significant other does in fact mean that you can’t be friends — at least not right away.
You might have heard the joke circling amongst our generation – that we can still be friends after we break up is like saying my dog died but I can still keep him. While we find this comparison a bit of a stretch and somewhat sadistic, there is a bit of truth in the overall root of the message. For the last few months, (or for some couples, years) you have been involved with someone, formed a bond and what you thought to be possible your last relationship. Being that person’s significant other is all you’ve known how to be with them. It’s the only way you know how to interact with that person. So to say that after “x” amount of time you can create something completely new in the ruins of a failed relationship isn’t realistic. If you’re saying to yourself that you want to be friends with an ex, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you still have romantic feelings for your ex?
- If they were to say that they wanted to get back together today, would you say yes?
- Would you be upset if your ex started to date someone new?
- If you’re ex came to you for relationship advice would you be hesitant to help?
- Does your ex still have romantic feelings for you?
If your answer to any of those five questions is yes, it’s probably not possible to be friends with your ex. That’s not to say that an occasional “how are you?” text or sending a birthday shout out on Facebook isn’t okay, but being the type of friends that can hang out, talk about their problems, and text for hours isn’t possible without the help of time. Give time for the wound to completely heal before taking off the Band-Aid, and then reach out and maybe, just maybe you will have a true shot at friendship.