I can still sing the entirety of Hugh Jackman’s musical monologue from the 2009 Oscars. I can tell you what designer Reese Witherspoon wore to the 2006 Oscars. (It was Dior, B.T.Dubs.) I can also tell you about my peculiar and inexplicable anger when Crash beat Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, despite having seen none of the nominated films, as I was, you know, a child.
Despite recent controversies, the Oscars still make my eyes dilate, heart palpitate, and palms sweat. I have the same physiological reaction to them as someone does when they are falling in love. Well, folks, my heart belongs to the Academy. It always has, even though they make awful decisions sometimes. (Give me an Idris Elba nomination or give me death.) If we had a relationship status on Facebook it would read: It’s Complicated. The Academy is that boyfriend/girlfriend that disappoints you time and time again, but they are there to flaunt your already massive ego and hand you a golden trophy for freezing your ass off in the Canadian/Chilean wilderness because everyone keeps saying “It’s time,” despite the fact that Michael Fassbender delivered what many critics found to be a more dynamic, interesting performance. (Run-on sentence for the win. Also, there is a fantastic article by the incomparable Matt Zoller Seitz explaining why a DiCaprio win is problematic.)
Anyway, it was the 88th Annual Academy Awards on Sunday February 28, 2016, and here’s the recap.
Red Carpet thoughts first. Obvi. I actually had the pleasure of watching E!’s coverage since I was home in Pittsburgh. (That was totally sarcastic. I felt I had to state that as it wasn’t translating as well as I wanted it to. Carry on.) At one point, Kris Jenner and Giuliana Rancic confused costume designer Sandy Powell for Tilda Swinton, and that about sums up what a disaster it was. It was as excruciating as sitting through The Revenant (Yes. I went there. My Leo disdain runs deep.) Let’s discuss some dresses now.
Is it too late for them to recast that new version of Beauty and the Beast?
Boob tape and Kirkland Signature napkin overalls. She also discussed Ebola with Ryan Seacrest, so do with that information what you will.
Saoirse from the Block. Bow down, everyone.
“You guys are going to regret not nominating me.”
Nobody loves the red carpet more than Rooney Mara. Just look at how much fun she is having?
I mean, this is the single most beautiful thing on the planet. No?
Red Carpet over. Let’s get on to the show.
I cannot begin to describe how absolutely perfect and incredible Chris Rock was in his opening monologue. In my opinion, it may be the best in Oscar history. It focused on the diversity issue in Hollywood, as well as the entire United States in general, and some digs against the “Ask Her More” campaign. It was funny, while remaining shocking and poignant. He was not afraid to say what he was thinking, and it worked to his great advantage. It was just brilliant, and I recommend you watch it even if you didn’t watch the ceremony.
They decided to change the order of the ceremony this year and start off with the screenwriting awards, yay! Best Original Screenplay went to Spotlight and Best Adapted Screenplay went to The Big Short. I loved both so much I cannot even describe, so I was whooping from the comfort of my couch in my overpriced Under Armour joggers.
After the commercial break, Chris Rock brought us back to the diversity issue with a hilarious video montage of black actors being placed into some of the nominated films. Tracey Jordan as The Danish Girl was the single greatest thing I have ever seen.
And then Sam Smith sang “Writing’s on the Wall” and swayed around like he was competing in a middle school talent show. Good stuff.
JK Simmons, delight that he is, came out to give Best Supporting Actress to Alicia Vikander. She kissed her beau, Michael Fassbender, and I am more excited for her that she gets to tap that than I was for her win. Her performance in The Danish Girl was so amazing (despite the fact her winning in this category is category fraud as it was clearly a leading role, but whatevs), but I thought she was better in Ex Machina. She got her Oscar, though, so good for her!
Cate Blanchett, goddess, sauntered on stage to present Best Costume Design to Jenny Beavan for Mad Max: Fury Road. And please note the shade from Mr. Innaritu as Beavan passes:
Mad Max: Fury Road then picked up two more wins for both Production Design and Makeup and Hairstyling. I seriously loved Mad Max, and I was so pleased to see it win these technical awards. I think it impressed me so much because George Miller, the film’s director, also did Babe. Yes, the man who created an insane post-apocalyptic movie in which a guy playing a flame-throwing guitar rides on top of a truck in the desert also created a talking pig movie. If that isn’t amazing I don’t know what is. Also, I appreciate any chance to take awards away from The Revenant.
Emmanuel Lubezki won Best Cinematography for The Revenant. I admire his work so much, but insert long sigh and eyeroll here.
Margaret Sixel took home Best Film Editing for Mad Max: Fury Road. She gave a shout-out to Charlize as she took the stage and I squealed. Mad Max did a whole sweep in the technical categories by scoring Best Sound Mixing and Best Sound Editing. I was crying and so happy for the people who did incredible work on this incredible movie, and I could feel Alejandro and Leo’s internal anger burning from the depths of their collective Oscar-hungry soul. So, it was a win-win for me, really.
Ex Machina broke Mad Max’s winning streak by winning Best Visual Effects. I am insanely obsessed with this movie and it is on Netflix now. Abandon this article and watch it if you want to experience Oscar Isaac dancing to disco music; why would you not want to?
Back from commercial break, Chris Rock brought out his daughter’s Girl Scout troop and made all the audience members buy cookies. It was so charming to see Christian Bale chomping on Thin Mints.
Inside Out won Best Animated Feature. No surprise there.
The Weeknd performed “Earned It” from the 50 Shades of Grey movie, complete with an aerialist. The whole time I couldn’t stop thinking that if the song won, 50 Shades of Grey would have an Oscar and that’s just… something.
In a shocking turn of events, Sylvester Stallone lost the Best Supporting Actor Award to Mark Rylance for his role as a soviet spy in Bridge of Spies. Everyone’s Oscar pools just imploded on themselves. His speech was very sincere and delightful. Disclaimer: I do have a spot in my heart for soft-spoken, middle-aged British men. (See: Bates and Molesley on Downton Abbey)
Best Foreign Language Film went to, no surprise, the Holocaust film from Hungary Son of Saul. This movie is heart wrenching, but creative in its approach, so I appreciate that. Yay for them!
Joe Biden, welcomed with a standing ovation, came out to speak against sexual assault and introduced Lady Gaga. I have a love for Joe Biden almost on par with Leslie Knope; I just adore him.
Now, what to say about that Gaga performance except “wow.” Everyone in that room was crying, I was crying. I mean, what a powerful performance. 2016 is Gaga’s year.
Somewhere in a Los Angeles Bungalow, Quentin Tarantino is losing his mind, as Ennio Morricone won Best Original Score for his work in Tarantino’s film The Hateful Eight. He delivered his speech in Italian with an interpreter and was crying, he is just an adorable man and I was so happy for him.
And then, I lost my cool. “Writing’s on the Wall” won for Best Original Song, which is garbage. He dedicated it to the LGBT community, which was nice. Then, they showed Gaga clapping for him politely. Bless her.
Best Director went to Alejandro G. Iñárritu for Leonardo DiCaprio Wants An Oscar The Revenant. Whatevuh. Movies are hard to make, we get it.
Brie Larson, glowing in Gucci, won Best Actress for her work in Room. I did not care at all for this movie, and her co-star Jacob Tremblay, though adorable, is a precocious little elf and I am not buying what he is selling.
Julianne Moore presented Best Actor to the human grease slick with weird eyebrows, Leonardo DiCaprio. Ugh, just, whatever. I disagree with the fact that “It’s time,” for an actor when they are 41 years old and the life expectancy for males in the United States is 76.4. Maybe now that he won everyone will cool their jets about him.
I then screamed and threw myself on the ground because I was so happy that Spotlight won Best Picture, and beat the assumed winner The Revenant because that movie is just beautiful garbage. I should have known. I mean, Mark Ruffalo knew:
Spotlight is not only a film about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, but highlights the issues caused by high-powered institutions hiding things and taking advantage of all the money they have rolling in.
I was so pleased with the winners (despite a few upsets), the night was political, not that funny, and full of rich people getting statues. Now, everyone will shut up about The Revenant and for that I am grateful, much like Michael Keaton here:
For a full list of winners, click here.
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