Let me start off by saying that I am a Canadian citizen and I had no say in the American election. However, I cannot help but fear the effects Donald Trump’s presidency will have on all women in North America.
The United States is one of the most powerful countries in the world and has elected an openly sexist (and racist and homophobic) man as their 45th president. This is a man who bragged about being able to do anything to women, including grabbing them “by the pussy” because of his fame and celebrity status. Trump has since been accused of sexual assault by 12 different women. However, it seems that most Americans have brushed off his accusations and dismissed his lewd comments about women as just “locker-room talk”. This is rape culture and it is not okay.
Here are some statistics about sexual assault:
- Sexual assault includes any unwanted touching, kissing or penetration;
- 91% of victims of sexual assault are women;
- In 80% of cases, the victim knew the person who sexually assaulted them;
- One in 5 women will be victims of rape in their lifetime;
- One in 5 women will experience sexual assault in college and more than 90% will not report it.
Chances are, you are a survivor of sexual violence or you know someone who is.
With a man accused of sexual assault elected as president of the US, it is more important than ever for women to fight against a culture that tries to normalize rape and sexual harassment. Do not be silenced. Share your stories and shout that this is unacceptable.
So, this is what I want to do now. I will share my story.
I was hesitant about writing this because I don’t want people to think that I’m looking for attention. I have never identified as a victim of sexual assault, even though I have experienced it. I was not ‘raped’ — there was no penetration involved — therefore considering it ‘sexual assault’ seemed like I was overreacting and playing the victim. However, this is something that has happened to me and I want to break the silence.
It was a year and a half ago, at my friend Susie’s birthday party. She had invited Jack, a guy she was casually seeing at the time. I used to have the biggest crush on Jack; until I found out he liked Susie. I was still attracted to him, even though I knew he was kind of a jerk. At one point, Susie left the party to go pick up her other friends, leaving me and Jack alone.
Jack came up to me and started flirting. He seemed intoxicated and I was drunk. He leaned in to kiss me and I tried backing away, but I was in a corner and I couldn’t back away anymore. I told him to stop because he was dating Susie. He said “Well, Susie isn’t here now,” before pressing his lips against mine.
Jack picked me up and took me in the bathroom, then placed me on the sink counter. I admit that I could have tried fighting back harder, but I was under the influence of alcohol and I wasn’t too sure what was happening. Also, I found him attractive and I was pretty excited that this guy I had a crush on for almost a year was finally kissing me. Still, I felt like a terrible friend and I remember repeatedly telling him that he should stop kissing me because he was with Susie. He just said that she doesn’t have to know.
Jack got more insistent; he was touching me all over and it started making me uncomfortable. He reached underneath my dress, pushed my panties to the side and told me that I was wet. He rubbed my vulva so aggressively and it was very painful. Or, as President Trump would say; he grabbed me “by the pussy”. I told him to stop because he was hurting me. I can still hear him saying: “You know why it hurts? Because you’ve never done it before.”
He was right, I had never done ‘it’ before, but I knew my body well enough to know that touching or fingering was not supposed to be painful. He said he wanted me “so bad” and that he could make me feel “so good”. I clearly told him I did not want to have sex with him. He didn’t seem to understand that I was serious. I was not playing hard to get. I tried pushing him off me but he resisted, telling me that he knew I had a crush on him and that I’ve always wanted him. I told him again that I did not want to have sex. He said I was lying because he knows he’s “so hot” and every girl wants to have sex with him.
I was disgusted.
I only remember fragments of what happened next. I somehow ended up in the bed with him and he was on top of me. I heard him unzip his pants and then felt him trying to enter me. I quickly reached down and covered myself, then managed to get him off me. I am so fortunate that I had the strength to push him off me at that very moment. I don’t remember how I did it; I think I must’ve kicked him. He was very intoxicated and didn’t put up much of a fight. He then said he wanted me to “blow him”. I yelled that I was not putting his penis near my mouth, which made him angry. He pushed me and started insulting me, telling me that I was no good, that I was a mistake, that Susie was so much better than me and that nobody will ever like me. When Susie came back, he told her that I was the one who wanted to have sex with him. He acted like he was the victim.
Did I report him? No.
Why?
Because I was drunk.
Because I was wearing a dress.
Because I didn’t want to get him in trouble.
Because I was attracted to him and felt like I did consent to kiss him.
Because I didn’t want to be perceived as weak by making too big of a deal about it.
Because I didn’t think he had bad intentions and it was just the drugs and alcohol that made him act that way.
Because there was no penetration and I felt like what happened wasn’t serious enough. (“It’s not like he actually raped me,” I thought.)
I didn’t report it, but what happened that night left me feeling disgusted, disrespected and ashamed. It scared me because I saw how easily rape could happen. Had I been more intoxicated, maybe I wouldn’t have had the strength to push him off me. I feel very lucky that there was no penetration, but it still left an impact on my life. I have a hard time trusting men. I get anxiety at parties and I prefer not to drink, in fear that something like this or worse could happen again.
I buried this incident in the back of my mind and never really thought about it again, until recently. All the talk about sexual assault during this election brought back flashbacks and I’ve been having nightmares about rape. Donald Trump, the new president of the United States, believes he can do anything to women because he’s a star, just like Jack believes every girl wants to have sex with him because he’s an attractive, popular guy.
Incidents of sexual assault like this one happen far too often and it is necessary to speak out against them. It is important to break the silence on sexual violence because it is never okay.
If you have been sexually assaulted and want to talk to someone about it, you can call the Sexual Assault Centre of the McGill Students’ Society at (514) 398-8500.
Images obtained from:
http://cdn.fishki.net/upload/post/201511/10/1731024/735fa26c9e50dbcb584c96c237ff69d2.png