Chapter 6 : A Good Cry Never Hurt Anyone
The door closes with a soft noise as my arms wrap around her. Her whole body shivers, but I don’t know if it’s from the cold or the tears that started running down her face again? I hold her until she stops crying. She’s holding on to me with a strong grip, like she’s scared to float away, or maybe sink down a dark lake. Her soft, curly hair tickles my cheek, but I don’t move. She smells like snow, like winter. In the background, I can hear my nephew laughing his little chirpy bird laughter. Sam heard it too because she pulls away from me. “I’m sorry, I should’ve called or something.” Her raspy voice sounds heavy, like it’s the place where her soul lives and, right now, it’s a heavy burden to carry. “Don’t worry about that,” I answer, taking her hand. I don’t want to push her to say anything until she feels ready, and I can see in her eyes that the words are still stuck somewhere deep, not ready to surface quite yet. But I can’t hide the fact that I’m curious about what happened. What horrible thing made her get into her car in the early hours of the night and drive across town to come see me. I feel bad for her and her tears make my heart ache, but it also makes me really happy that she came to me. It’s a strange kind of pride, the kind that feels so right and so wrong at the same time, a victory over something that you wish didn’t happen. The special thing about my sister’s house is that every room has doors or walls that block the view, there are no open spaces. I never liked her house because of that, I’m the kind of person who needs light, big bright open spaces, high ceilings. But tonight, I have to admit, I’m enjoying the confining aspect of her house, I can take Sam to the guest bedroom without everybody witnessing her teary eyes. She sits on the bed, her coat still on. I go to the kitchen and come back with a glass of water. She takes it, her “thank you” so soft I could’ve confused it with the flutter of a butterfly’s wing. She doesn’t drink the water. I sit on the bed next to her, holding the glass as she takes her coat off. She sighs heavily, then looks at me and smiles a very sad smile. I know she’s trying to show me that she’s ok, but I don’t believe it for a second. A small knock on the door makes me realize the party kept going on while I was with Sam. The doorknob turns and my nephew’s tiny face pops in.
“Elli…” he says. “Can you come play with me?” The side of his mouth is still blue because of the icing on the cake. His eyes focus on Sam and his smile turns into a smaller, shyer one. “Caleb, this is Sam.” “Hello,” she says. “Hello,” he answers with a shy voice. “Is it a special day today?” She asks him, smiling. The usual spark in her eyes is slowly coming back. “It’s my birthday,” he says. “Is it? Well, how old are you?” “I’m three!” He lifts up three little fingers in the air, smiling from ear to ear. “Wow! Three! You’re a big boy now!” He nods repeatedly. “Come see my new book!” Caleb takes Sam’s hand in his and pulls her out of the room. I follow them. When we reach the living room, where everybody is, Sam is busy with Caleb so everybody has time to register she’s here without all the weird introductions. I think my sister also gave them a heads up because no one asks me anything, and the night just goes on like this. Everybody is very nice to Sam, Caleb adores her, and Sam is smiling a genuine smile.
***
I lay next to her in the semi-darkness of the room. I forgot to close the blinds but I don’t feel like getting up again, so they’ll have to stay open. Anyway, Caleb will be up before the sun, and jumping on our bed, so it’s not really an issue. Sam is right there next to me, her body turned towards mine. Since she had all her things with her, she didn’t need to borrow pyjamas. The one she’s wearing has big chubby bees all over it and I laughed so much when I saw her in that, I thought I was going to die! She got annoyed with me laughing at her, so she threw a pillow at my face.
But now I’m not laughing anymore, I’m just laying here next to her, looking into her eyes. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” I ask softly. “I’m sure you already know, it’s always the same thing.” “I’m not sure what you mean?” “My grandma…she asked why I came to see her so unexpectedly, so I told her about you. She didn’t take it.” “You mean she didn’t know before? That you were gay, I mean.” “No, she knew. I told my whole family when I was 15, over my birthday cake! They all know, and they all talk about it freely, but not my grandma. I guess she always thought it was a phase or something, like that’s a real thing!” She rolls her eyes at her own comment. “She doesn’t understand that it’s not a phase, or a fluke, or a one-time thing. When you’ve known all your life that you’re gay, when you’ve asked yourself questions, when you’ve taken the time to make sure you really know what you’re talking about, coming out isn’t a phase.” “For some people, it is,” I say. “Yes, but not me. So, she knew, but she still didn’t believe I would actually date girls. So when I told her about you, she got mad and went on and on about how this isn’t right and I should be with a man and all.”
“I hate when people do that, like there’s only one-way love can go.”
“Exactly. Then I told her this wasn’t a mistake or whatever she thinks it is, and she told me to go.”
There’s a moment of silence where we just look at each other, me playing with a strand of her hair.
“So, I was the first girl you mentioned to your grandma?” I ask.
“Yes. The other girls I’ve dated before, well I didn’t see my grandma while I was with them, or I just didn’t feel like telling her because it was family events and all. I knew she might react like she did. So I waited. But today, I just felt tired of not saying anything. And it was just her and me, and I thought we could talk about it calmly and I would help her understand…”
“But it didn’t go as planned,” I finish for her.
“Yea…”
I lean in and kiss her.
“I’m happy you told your family about me,” I say.”
“I’m happy I got to meet yours. They all seem so nice! And Caleb is an angel!”
“Yes he is, I say. He’s the man of my life, and the only one!”
This makes her laugh.
“I didn’t know I has competition,” she adds.
“Well, no, not really. He may be the man of my life, but you’re my girl.”
It’s only after saying it that I realize what I’ve just said. I kind of hold my breath and wait for the bomb to blow up, but nothing happens. Instead, she kisses me.
“I’m your girl,” she confirms.
I smile and wrap my arms around her. My head resting against her chest, I can hear her heart beating. It’s comforting, and it’s making me sleepy. I feel my own breathing synchronize with hers. Everything is calm, everything is nice. I have this song by Dodie Clark stuck in my head. Feeling my head getting heavier and my eyes more difficult to keep open, I blink a few times. I see one of the bees on Sam’s pyjamas.
“Bzzzzzz,” I say.
She laughs softly, and I smile. I fall her sleep with the sound of her laughter echoing in my ears. There’s no other place I would like to be more than right here, right now. This is where I want to exist.
Dodie Clark’s song – Her https://youtu.be/quhCOsmTxDU
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