There are some things I miss about you every day. I miss the way you laughed at my incredibly bad jokes. I miss your smell. I miss your flirty texts. I miss cuddling in my bed. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss joking with each other. I even miss study session.
You always knew how to make me smile…you still do. You know what makes me happy and how to make me laugh.
You were a great listener and I felt like I could go to you about anything. If I ever needed to talk to someone about my personal life, I knew you would be there. You could always make me feel better and I miss having a person who knew how to do that.
Honestly, I just really miss being your friend.
But then again…
There are so many things that I don’t miss. I don’t miss fighting on my couch at 3 o’clock in the morning. I don’t miss pretending not to care about you. I don’t miss our 3 a.m. texts or the texts at 10 a.m. the next morning apologizing. I don’t miss crying in the corner of the bar. I don’t miss crying on my bathroom floor.
Your presence either infuriated me or intoxicated me, and it took me way to long to figure out that this is not the way someone should make me feel. I would feel empty whenever you left but I no longer want you to be a piece that completes me. I needed you to make me feel whole, which you could never and will never be able to do.
We never said all the things we needed to say. Hate became a word I threw around like confetti.
Being your friend and being something more were completely different. Being your friend meant that we could joke around and that we could have fun with each other. We could hang out with other friends and everything was enjoyable.
Being something more than a friend to you became strange to me. I felt awkward in large groups when you were there. I was always checking whom you were talking to and what you were saying. I feared that you would find someone better than me…
And maybe you will. Maybe you will find someone who brings out the best in you when you are in a relationship with them. But, I know that is not me.
I truly believe that we brought about the best in each other as friends. But, whenever something became more than friendship, everything changed. I know you have seen it too.
So do I miss you? Hell yes, I miss you but I do not miss us.