Have you ever been dating a guy, and just when you think everything is going amazingly well, he stops calling? You wonder why, what changed, and if you did something wrong. These situations are full of mysteries. Guys sometimes disappear, even when they like you and enjoy your company. This happens far more often to women than most of us realize.
Here are 7 reasons why guys disappear and how to deal with it:
1. He’s not your boyfriend.
While you have gone on dates with him, neither of you has defined the relationship. So, he may not feel like he needs to explain anything to you about why he wants to move on. In his mind, there is not a “relationship.” So, he may not even think about how you might perceive him pulling the Houdini act.
How to deal: Try to prepare for this kind of thing before it can happen. Understand that dating and being in a relationship are two separate ballgames. Without any understanding between the two of you about the relationship, he’s free to do as he pleases. And… So are you. Avoid being intimate if you have doubts about where he stands. You’ll save yourself a ton of hurt.
2. He’s too busy for a relationship.
His work schedule may be super-busy, he may have a lot of homework… Whatever his life is like, he doesn’t have enough time to devote to you. I was once dating a guy for about a two-and-a-half month period. In my mind, everything was great. We always had a wonderful time together. Then, he stopped all interaction, and I had no idea why. Until, six months later, he texted me a super-long apology telling me the reason for his disappearance. He told me he was too busy for a relationship, among other issues. Now, I know- he just didn’t tell me until later. This case is strange, but not uncommon.
How to deal: Know that these disappearing acts may have little to do with you and have a lot more to do about him. In the early phases of dating, people put on a facade, or alternatively, people can only scratch at the surface about someone. He may have far more things going on in his personal life that he hasn’t told you about. So, if you want a relationship, and a guy you’re dating says he’s too busy, be grateful that it’s over. You want someone to give you the attention you deserve. While busy people can be more appealing because they are active, they obviously have priorities that put your relationship at a lower level. Don’t wait around. MOVE ON! Even most busy people have time for a kind text during the day or a phone call before bed. If he’s interested in continuing the relationship and sees the incentive, he will make the effort.
3. He’s in a transitional phase.
This one happens a lot in college. Lots of guys function on a blueprint for their lives. They have a plan for when they’ll graduate college, when they’ll land a job, and eventually, when they’ll settle down, etc. Relationship expert Matthew Hussey, founder of Get the Guy, says that while women are flexible about their blueprint, men usually are not. You may come into his life at the wrong time. For example, if he’s in community college and trying to transfer to a four-year university, if he’s moving, or if he’s in between jobs, he has a preconceived notion about the phase of his life. He’s not thinking “relationship.” He’s thinking about the phase and the next transition.
How to deal: Try to understand his perspective. His disappearance doesn’t necessarily indicate he didn’t enjoy your company. He may have liked you a lot, but he didn’t think it was the right time in his life for a relationship. In real estate, they say “location, location, and location.” In relationships, I say “timing, timing, and timing.” Understand that timing is critical for a relationship to form. This is not entirely on you. There is some luck involved. So, if timing does not work out for you, don’t sweat it. But, (please) move on.
4. He’s playing the field.
Face it. This guy may have been super-sweet to you, but there’s a possibility that he was dating other girls. You may never know the truth about this guy. If he’s a player, he may not tell you (or any other girl) the truth because players are like con artists.
How to deal: While the idea that he vanished because he wanted to date other girls is hard to take, think about it. How would a relationship with a guy with one eye constantly on the field have ever worked? It’s not worth your time to get too upset about it.
5. He doesn’t think you two are compatible.
There are many factors that go into compatibility. Where someone lives, how old they are, their interests, and values are all important in determining whether you’re compatible with someone. This is even aside from the generic ideas about personality traits and physical appearance. Maybe he discovered a big difference between the two of you, like your religious or political views, and thought you two might clash. It could even be something small and petty, like he doesn’t like the way you dress. Guys often move on without explanation when this happens.
How to deal: In order for a relationship to last and be successful, both parties have to see each other as someone with whom they are compatible. So, you were missing an important piece of the puzzle. There will be another guy who sees it differently. One step you can take to be proactive and find someone you are compatible with is to partake in social activities that relate to your interests, hobbies, and beliefs. You will be more likely to meet guys you click with this way.
6. You’ve been doing too much pursuing.
Have you been bending backwards and forwards for this guy? You’re texting him first all of the time, asking to hang out and see each other. He never initiates anything anymore, and you’re starting to worry if he’s still interested. Lots of guys are like hunters. They like the pursuit. If we reverse the game on them, they lose interest. This doesn’t mean he wants an ice queen- he wants someone he has to earn. Relationship expert Eric Charles, founder of A New Mode, says that when women pursue men, it appears to the guy as if he is the woman’s ultimate goal for happiness. This applies to excessive cases, in particular. Be happy on your own. The guy is not the key.
How to deal: Simple. Stop initiating communication. He may or may not pop up again later in your life. You may not know this for a few days, a week, or even longer. The ball should be in his court for at least once. See if he’s ever going to initiate. You are worthy of being pursued, so relax. Go for a run, take a bubble bath, go out with your friends, and be active. Be someone worth pursuing.
7. He’s an idiot.
Ha-ha. Let’s be real. Some guys are just clumsy and clueless. They will leave you in ways that are low-class. You need to be mature about the way you handle the situation. After a certain point in dating, a guy’s disappearing act is very rude, especially if you’ve been intimate with him. Yet, he made the choice to walk away from an amazing woman. So, understand… He’s the one with problems.
How to deal: Even if you don’t believe in the old line, “What’s meant to be, will be,” you need to know that there will be other guys who will come into your life. Another guy may pull a Houdini on you, but sometimes that’s a part of dating. There’s a keeper out there. Stay positive. With all of your past dating experiences under your belt, you will be able to bring more to the table for future relationships.
Try to stay away from the view that it is a failure when guys disappear. In order to date successfully, you need to be resilient and see the big picture. You may not know exactly why a guy cut off communication and didn’t give an explanation. Learn to enjoy the fact that good times were had and more good times are on their way. Better experiences are beyond the horizon- not only with another guy, but with improving yourself.