Summer days stake their reputations on being the juiciest, most free-spirited, most enchanting days of the entire year. And as Grease’s doe-eyed Sandy and slick-haired Danny put it best, those summer nights are chalked full of pretty cozy adventures, too. Wink, wink.
But when those leaves start to turn and the bathing suits get replaced with pencil skirts, we all know it’s time to say “Bye-bye” to the high temps and “Hello” to the highlighters. Well, most of us know, anyway.
Some of us are too caught up in the fantasy to realize that this fling has flung, my friend. And it’s at those (end)times, men and women alike find themselves undergoing the pesky stages to having to break up with that not-so-special someone we weren’t even formally dating to begin with.
1. It’s been a great seven weeks together. You share ice cream sundaes, build sandcastles, have impromptu dance parties to Beyonce’s “7/11,” make late night trips to actual 7-11s and c’mon, his Kimye impressions? Priceless.
It all sounds like an amazing story for the future grandkids. But something’s just not there. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s never seen Star Wars. Maybe it’s the way food gets stuck in his beard at Chipotle. Maybe it’s because he’s a gemini with a capricorn moon. But pretty soon you realize: you’re just not that into him.
2. You wonder, just for a moment, if you’re being too picky and try to forgive his shortcomings. So what if he doesn’t know who Maya Angelou is and hates every Pixar movie ever made (That is some grade A next-level psycho-babble-weirdo nonsense BTW)? You can work with that! After all, nobody’s perfect. Hannah Montana taught you that, and has she ever steered you wrong?
3. Yes. Yes, she has. He’s an avid pot enthusiast and you’re pretty sure his hairline is already receding so nope, this is not going to work. Now every time he compliments you, all can you muster up is some nervous giggling, and an ever so awkward TMI reply. “Oh my god, no. I’m so ugly. Literally, I haven’t shaved my armpits in like, 9 days.” Cue the facepalm in 3…2…1…
4. You stop with the pet names. You stop with the hand holding, and every time he wants to hang out, you’re just “super busy with school stuff.” You’re too nice to just ghost him and you’re too stupid to tell him the truth, so you straddle the fence by adding. “But you know, maybe next week? Let’s get a group together!”
5. He still isn’t letting up, and it’s really starting to get to you. I mean, how many times can he compliment the smell of your hair before you just have to up and move out to Bangladesh?! At this point, you’ve opted to throw those headphones on as soon as you see him, because it’s taking every fiber of your being not to scream, “I. DON’T. WANT. YOU.” when the two of you cross paths. Geez, Cady Heron wasn’t kidding about that whole word vomit thing!
6. News travels fast no matter how big your circle is, and now everyone thinks you and this 5-stage clinger are in it for the long hall. “Okay, girl! I see you! That’s your guy, right?” Ummm…
7. And for every girl friend that has you gagging, there is a cute dude walking around thinking you’re all wifed up. Wait a minute, have you just friendzoned yourself?
8. Then again, flattery is like kryptonite. Sure, he’s not the guy for you. But he does do wonders for your ego. And free dinner isn’t such a bad perk, either. You know it’s wrong to let him treat you, but hey! You’ve come this far, what’s another 10-piece chicken nugget value meal on him?
9. No, no, no. You must remember the mission. Alright, it’s DEFCON 5 in this place, people! You’ve tried subtlety, but it looks like you’re going to have to go out with a bang and literally say, “I just want to be friends,” since somebody decided to up and chuck the entire guide to summer flings right out the window. “Trust me, Drake. I knew what it was when I signed up. This guy? Not so much.”
10. You take in that first fresh breath of sweet freedom and count your blessings. No more unsolicited late night texts. No more twitches of anxiety every time the phone buzzes. No more last minute ditching and dodging. Ding Dong the wicked witch is- PAUSE. It’s only been 48 hours and as Snapchat would indicate, your ex-dude is sharing Sweet Frog with that “gal pal” he always told you never to worry about, like you two never even happened.
11. You dwell on it for maybe .578 seconds before realizing: you are a goddess. Phew, you almost lost yourself for a moment there. No worries, you’re back and better than ever.
Sorry, bro. You ain’t Phineas, he ain’t Ferb and this here summer can’t last forever. How about y’all pick this up come winter break?