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New Year, new you?

Posted Dec 30 2012 - 6:05pm

“If you’ve been a bad person for the past 19 years, why do you think a New Years Resolution for 2013 is going to change you?”

If you’re the type of person who would put this as your status, I really wish your face would meet a cheese grater. If people would like to change in the New Year, and make ridiculous notions to lose half their bodyweight, let them do that; and support them. I am a prime example of someone who has reinvented themselves on numerous occasions; some for the better, and some arguably I should have never been allowed to be seen in public.

Basically, I thought it was time to get personal and show you a good few photo’s from my private and slightly embarrassing albums (don’t get too ahead of yourself, they’re clean).

Since 2010, I have changed to incredible extremes. These photos only give you a glimpse into what I have victimised myself to look like, when both attacking my hair with peroxides and viciously sweating my back off in the gym. Admittedly and ashamedly, it is the male population that has made me change so often. Boyfriends have affected the way I look by cheating on me with skinnier, prettier girls I’d change to look like, or they’ve upset me in some way. The long hair you adore so much? I’ll chop it off. My ‘natural’ look? I’m bathing in fake tan. Never, ever, underestimate a girl’s determination to change and seek revenge.

If you would like your New Years resolutions to change yourself for independent reasons, then fine. If, like I have, you’re changing to make yourself look like some other girl because your supposed boyfriend finds her attractive, then seriously, get a grip. Changing yourself isn’t going to make you any happier, there’s only so much hair dye you can put on before your hair dies, cutting your hair off makes your neck cold, and loosing weight and cutting cake out of your life makes you miserable.

In the end, if you want to make New Years Resolutions then fine, here’s some to stick by:

  1. “I will change the way I look”

If your boyfriend cheats on you with someone else, do not try to look like her. Seek revenge on her. She likes peanut butter? She prefers poison. She likes chips? She loves laxatives.

  1. “I will lose a stone”

If you want to lose weight, do it in a sensible way. No one wants to wake up on a morning at the prospect of eating only lettuce for the rest of the day. If we were supposed to eat rabbit food, I’d be born a lot hairier. It’s all about portion control, do not eat a whole packet of biscuits in one sitting, have some for breakfast, some for lunch and some for dinner!

  1. “I will save money”

I give my debit card a special rub and a kiss and hope that it works (that’s what she said) every time I go into Topshop to buy the new and latest outfits. Whether I can afford such luxuries, is a total different matter. Saving money is a good idea, but don’t deprive yourself. Maybe instead of shopping in the beautiful area that is Topshop, we delve into the open arms of Primark. Basically the same clothes (disputable), just when we spill ketchup down our Primary jumper we might not want to claw our eyes out.

2012 brought about some strange realisations to my life, and the most hilarious of them all was how much my life is becoming like the diary of Bridget Jones. In her words, I will “stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, or perverts". I’ll be sure to update you on how this goes.

At the end of the day, do what makes you happy.

Happy New Year! 

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