I’d love my family to break the stereotype of large Irish families. They don’t and therefore significant others tend to run an hide because my family insists on handpicking significant others.
Single members of the family are right away pressured into being set up and an arranged marriage. If I had a dollar for every time some aunt or uncle suggested “the son of my business partner,” or “my neighbor’s grandson,” well I would have enough to finance my education.
The real problem with my family is the way that they treat the incoming significant others. As a perpetually single girl, I find this incredibly amusing. I get to be part of the screening process. I get to judge my cousins for who they are dating, and as a warning, I am ruthless.
The family has been known to start a betting pool over how long the newest relationships will last. I don’t like to brag (although, that’s a lie – I totally do like to brag), but I won fifty bucks on the last bet.
The family bets on all aspects of a relationship: How long will the relationship last? When will he propose? Where will they buy their first house? When will they have a baby?
Obviously, the couple has to know that we are doing this, since they partake in betting on other relationships. I have seen some relationships not make it to four months because they thought that betting on relationships was weird.
I can tell how long a guy is going to last by how the uncles treat him. My uncles are all cigar smokers, and if they invite a guy to join them for a cigar they are about to begin the interrogation. They like to see how the new guy reacts to them.
My uncles are not afraid to use intimidation. If the new guy (and all boyfriends get called “the new guy” for about three years,) makes it out of the cigar room alive, and laughing he might actually be allowed to continue dating my cousin.
The aunts like to dote. They like to force feed new guys desserts. They like to pretend that the new guy is their son. Guys have it easy with the aunts. Girls – not so much.
The aunts have no problem saying that every girl that walks through the doors isn’t good enough. The only girls who have a chance are girls that are exactly like the aunts.
My family takes the Oedipus complex to a whole new level. That idea that men marry women that remind them of their mothers is true in my family.
It isn’t that no one survives the family screening process, it’s just rare. However, the divorce rate in my family is incredibly low. In fact, I don’t know of any divorces in the family. I guess the family screening process does work but I really do not want to live to see the day when it happens to me!