As my three years of undergrad at La Verne are coming to an end, I am beyond excited to be finishing up school and have more free time. No more research papers, no more due-date panic attacks, no more parking struggles, and no more late night studying.
But as culmination day draws closer, thoughts like “maybe I shouldn’t have rushed”, and “what the heck am I going to do with my life from here?” are occuring in my head. So many people ask me what I’m going to do after I finish school, and I tell them the same generic answer, “work, and maybe more school.” But really, I don’t know what I’ll be doing after I finish school in the long term. I have desires and wants, but I’m afraid to share that with people because I don’t even know if I’m capable of achieving them. I want to go to graduate school, but am I really down for more sleepless nights and study sessions? Will I forever be in debt? What if even after grad school I can’t find a job? I want to have a successful job, but with my degree right now my field of jobs is so limited. Can I just get married and be a stay at home wife (haha)? What are people going to think of me? What are my family members going to think of me? I don’t want to disappoint my family members, especially after all the hard work they’ve contributed for me to finish school.
As I have been reflecting and having these thoughts, I realized that these are all my selfish desires and worries. Where is God in all of this? Why am I planning my future around myself, when God is the Master planner? Why am I so nervous, when deep down I know it is all under control? This isn’t my life, and my purpose on earth isn’t to be fulfilling my desired life. My goal isn’t to have a big house, a nice car, trendy clothes, highest paying job, or the dream body. My purpose is to live for God’s glory. My purpose is to be a servant of God. His will is my will. But of course, the sinfulness of my human heart pushes God aside and puts ‘me’ first.
I can say that I have been lucky throughout the years where God has provided so much for me. I think this is where my struggle comes in. I crave for “better”. I crave for “the most amazing…”. I crave for “the best”. With this struggle in wanting all of this, I disappoint myself with the thoughts of what I don’t have, and what I personally lack in. My thoughts go back and forth from “oh my gosh, what am I going to do now?” “I lack so much in such-and-so area.” “Why can’t I have that?” But of course, I am once again reminded of God’s purpose. My identity is not found in my education, my job, my position, nor this and that. My job title does not define me. The money I make does not define me. How smart I am does not define me.
As I go through this transition in life, I am realizing how selfish and self-centered I am, all the while realizing how much more loving and forgiving God is. Even though I struggle daily with thoughts of the future, I am constantly reassured by His promises, and sovereignty.
I know I’m not the only one that struggles with fears, and anxiety when it comes to starting a new chapter in life. It is nerve-wrecking, but also so exciting to be moving up in life and accomplishing another milestone.
Regardless of how nervous I am about what’s to come, I’m pretty thrilled to be graduating. Here’s to life and adulting!