The ceilings in my room seem way too close, as if I am going to hit my head whenever I walk through the doorway. The walls that I lived confined within for nineteen years, now, feel suffocating and unbearable. This is not the room I grew up in. My bedroom has been repainted and is in the process of being re-carpeted, as if my parents are getting ready for the day that I permanently move out, and they can turn my room into one of their own.
My childhood best friend has moved away, her house that sits directly behind mine is now dark and vacant, looking for another family to inhabit it. One of my brothers has moved out to start his own life with his new fiancé, which means there are no more bunk beds to climb on right across the hall. There is no more walking into my brothers’ room and seeing them both there; Andrew, playing the guitar and Anthony, working on his homework.
The darkness scares me when I once welcomed it to bring me to sleep. The cul-de-sac that I live in and the songs it brought from the crickets at night no longer drown out my thoughts and feelings as I turn to sleep. There is not enough noise to lull me to sleep like there once was.
The kitchen has been redone, the white cabinets have turned brown, the floor is darker, but the added espresso machine in the corner brings the welcomed smell of caffeine in the morning. The walls are no longer a bright yellow that welcomes the sun in the morning: instead they are a pale cream color, which seem to blend in with the gray skies on rainy days.
This is not my home. This is not the home that I have lived in for nineteen years. It is not the home that I got my first dog or learned to ride a bike nor does it have the same furniture that I sat at as I completed my college applications. Going back there does not seem right after living on a college campus for over a year. I miss the days when I had my own room, a place to retreat when I needed space from the world. I miss the piles of toys and Christmas traditions that happened in this house. I am sad to see my childhood leave me: I am sad to see everyone around me moving forward. It is times like these that I wish I could be a child forever.