I don’t feel old enough to be a senior in college. I don’t feel prepared enough and confident enough. I don’t feel awake enough.
Being a senior, school seems to come up in conversation a lot more. When I say I am a professional writing major, I tend to get the follow up question: What do you plan on doing with that?
I’ve been wrestling with a “right” answer for years now. I’ve gone with the logical answer, I’ve gone with the passionate answer, and I’ve gone with the honest answer. But logic shifts and passion evolves and the honest answer is that I do not know.
I’ve changed my mind. I’ve gone back and forth. I have abandoned childhood dreams and developed new dreams, then abandoned those too. I am walking a fine line between confusion and clarity.
But I’m trying to change the way I think about my future (which wasn’t even true until today when I actually googled “being a senior and not knowing what you’re doing with your life” and stumbled across this Her Campus article).
I’m trying to let the stress of my senior year take me to a new level of motivation. Instead of letting it all overwhelm me, I’m trying my best to let it carry me. I need to allow the opportunities I have through my education guide me; I need to truly explore new fields and forms of writing. I need to be more open to uncertainty. I need to be more patient with my own process.
So, all good intentions considered, my “right” answer is simple. I want to write. I think it’s okay that I don’t know exactly what or where or how I want to write. I think it’s okay that I’m still learning and growing and changing.
I guess this just serves as a reminder to myself, and to anyone feeling the way I am, that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. It’s okay to be tired. You don’t always have to have a “right” answer.