How many movie characters, TV characters, or even real-life friends of ours have we heard complain that they “just need closure”? Although the examples are definitely plentiful, I’d like to narrow it down to one, and I can’t think of a better time for a Friends reference. Fellow fans, you know what I’m talking about- Rachel’s quest for “closure” after finding out that Ross has been in love with her for years, only to find out soon afterwards that it’s too late- he now has a girlfriend. A bottle (or two) of wine later, this search ends in an iconic drunken voicemail (“You’re over me? When were you…under me?”) and a cell phone thrown into a bucket of ice.
Rachel did not get the closure she was looking for, and the truth is, none of us ever really do. This is not to say that we never move on from what we lost or what hurt us. It also doesn’t mean that we can’t return to the person we were before. It just means that there is no closed door, no nicely tied up ends in real life love and loss. You can do everything right after the end of a relationship, the loss of a loved one or an unexpected turn of events and STILL carry around a sense of “why” and “what if” in the back of your mind.
Feelings are not concrete. Love and grief (or any other kind of emotion, really) do not fall into either *this* or *that*. There is an in-between, a grey area, and we all spend a lot of time there. When we lose a relationship, a person, or an opportunity we were holding onto with everything we had, there is no way to ever really say you’re done with the feelings that follow and truly mean it. The experience ends, but the way you felt about it doesn’t CHANGE- it only lessens. Similar to the way you can’t change history, you cannot change your original reaction to it either.
This is not to say that you cannot (or will not) reach acceptance. Acceptance and closure are two different things. Acceptance is a healthy state of knowing you can’t change the past and being ready to move onto the future despite the lingering feelings you have about the past. Closure, on the other hand , is a false idea of being able to somehow suddenly let go of those feelings altogether. There is, unlike what you see on TV or in books, no magical moment where the feelings you have will fade completely. There is no RIGHT WAY to feel or think about the past, either, so don’t get angry at yourself for not having the attitude about it that you’ve decided is the only acceptable one to have. Don’t beat yourself up for holding on, or for that fleeting thought you have about the one thing you swore you weren’t going to think about anymore. These things don’t make you weak.
What matters is what you do going forward. The memories and the twinge of bitterness you feel about the lost part of your life (or whatever you lost that keeps reminding you of it) won’t disappear with the snapping of your fingers, but there WILL be a moment one day when you realize that you and those memories are peacefully coexisting. Pursue other interests, be open to meeting other people, continue to enrich your life with whatever comes into it- don’t put so much focus into trying to control the way you think about what has left. The door might not ever be fully closed, but remember that you can still keep opening other ones. This is what you should aim for, in place of the ever-elusive “closure”. It doesn’t exist, but the potential for future happiness always will.