As a new writer for HCKU, I thought it would be a good idea to give you, the readers, a general impression of who I am. So, what better way to do that than show you what my weekend looked like? This was a wildly busy couple of days, but other than that, it was a pretty typical weekend for me.
Thursday: After my Sociology class, I prepped for an open mic down at the Union. My plan was to do stand-up and maybe try out some new material, as this was a crowd I had never seen before. Pictured are my jokes, and definitely not just the ramblings of a crazy person.
The crowd was nice, mid-sized, consisting mostly of friends and significant others of the performers. Those other performers were all musicians playing covers, and we all chatted a little before we went up. Also in attendance was KU basketman Carlton Bragg, who I weirdly see on campus all the time. I said hi when he came in and he looked through me like I was a friggin’ ghost.
My set went well. It was clear the new bits needed some work, but everyone laughed (except Carlton, who somehow looked both bored and furious at me at the same time). I finished my jokes and walked out of the Union and back to my apartment. I didn’t realize until I was back at my place that we were supposed to stay after we performed because there were prizes. I felt foolish, but retired to my soccer management app and my bed for the evening.
Friday: I am #blessed to have no Friday classes, so my day began with an Amazon Prime Pantry box full of candy that my mom made for me. Pictured: the Sour Patch Papi.
I proceeded to eat half my weight in candy (no small feat when you’re as doughy as I am) and packed for a little weekend getaway to Toronto. It was NBA All-Star Weekend, and the league’s lone Canadian city was playing host. My close personal friend Aubrey (you may know him as Drake) was coaching Team Canada at the All-Star Celebrity Game. He asked me a few months back if I would be his assistant coach, presumably due to my world-class tactical hoops knowledge. I protested at first, as it was Team Canada and I was born in Overland Park, but he won me over like he always does. “You can be the first American to coach Team Canada. You could be the one to break that glass ceiling, Jackson.” He’s such a smooth talker, I don’t know why I ever argue with him. Here’s a picture of us confronting Team USA coach Kevin Hart. Drake is way shorter in person, by the way. (Photo by Christine Imarenezor/VIBE http://www.vibe.com/2016/02/nba-celebrity-all-star-game-toronto/nba-cele…)
Team Canada held out for the win, 74-64. We won in large part to Arcade Fire frontman and the game’s MVP, Win Butler, but the Property Brothers helped too. Kevin wouldn’t let me forget that I chose Drake over him until I yelled, “WELL, WHICH OF YOU WAS MY COSTAR ON DEGRASSI, KEVIN?” That shut him up.
Aubs invited me out for dinner and a night out in the six with the rest of the OVO family, but I had to turn him down. All that flying and coaching really tuckered me out. I went back to my hotel room, fired up “The Propaganda Game” (a documentary about the culture of information control in North Korea) and ate room service tacos in bed. I don’t mean to brag, but I did get salsa all over the place.
Saturday: I was woken up in the middle of the night by a text from Bill Self. I was worried. Whenever he texts me after 9 p.m., I know something horrible has happened.
“Jerrance [Howard, KU assistant] is sick,” It read, “And we need someone on the bench if we expect to beat Oklahoma.”
“What does this have to do with me, Selfie?” I asked.
“I saw what you were able to do with just a couple Property Brothers and that skinny singer guy last night. We need you. KU needs you.”
“Dude, I’m in Toronto.”
“Well, we need you in Norman.”
Bill is another one of those guys that’s just pointless to argue with; on a long enough timeline, he’ll win out. This was no exception. Next thing I knew, I was in an Uber from the OKC airport speeding down I-35 to OU’s campus. I got to the Noble Center just in time for layup lines. Carlton ignored me, probably because he didn’t expect to see that weirdo telling fart jokes on the court later. Nick Krug of the Lawrence Journal-World (http://www2.ljworld.com/photos/2016/feb/13/303311/) actually caught a flash of our passive-aggressive conflict on camera.
Now, I don’t mean to pat myself on the back, but my motivational late-second half timeout huddle speech is 100 percent of the reason why the Jayhawks won on Saturday. A magician never reveals his secrets, but the ticket to getting Devonte’ Graham to shoot lights-out is Eleanor Roosevelt quotes. The team wanted to go and celebrate the win afterward, but I declined them just like I did Drake the night before. I had to get back to Toronto for the Dunk Contest & 3-Point Contest. All-Star Saturday Night is my Super Bowl. It’s one of the biggest nights of the year for me. I was in Brooklyn for it last year, and it was one of the most incredible nights of my life. Last year, rookie Minnesota Timberwolves shooting guard Zach Lavine not only won the contest, but absolutely tore the roof off the building with a series of powerful yet still graceful slams. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch it now. Here’s the link. I’ll wait.
That was amazing, right?
Ok, so Zach and I are old camp friends. Here’s proof. (http://gotemcoach.com/post/111045816609/zach-lavine-played-for-the-fck-o…)
Zach and I have a secret though. He hasn’t gone on record about this, mostly because I asked him not to say anything, but every dunk he did in the contest was one I did when we went to Camp Pendalouan together. I was 11, he was 10. Zatch, as I like to call him, has been following in my footsteps ever since. He gave me courtside seats to this year’s contest as a thank you for being his “dunkspiration” (his words). My man was on fire Saturday night, inciting reactions like this from his teammates and the crowd.
That guy in the upper left isn’t me, but actually my seat filler. I was trying to track down the ice cream sandwich guy at the time. 2016 would prove much more difficult for ol’ Zatch. Orlando Magic forward Aaron Gordon would take him on in a battle of dunking perfection that went on for more rounds than he had anticipated. So he came to me for ideas. Mark Blinch of AP caught a moment of us together. (http://www.startribune.com/gallery-lavine-towns-dominate-nba-skills-even…)
“I’m out of ideas, man. I got nothing left,” he told me, trying to keep his cool for the Air Canada Center crowd.
“That’s not true,” I told him.
I paused.
“You have to do… El Capitan,” I said.
“What!? Are you insane? El Capitan is a through the legs tomahawk from the free-throw line!”
“Zatch. It’s your only option.”
“Jackson, not even you could do El Capitan.”
“But you can. I believe in you, buddy.”
Zach sighed and said under his breath, “The things I do for you, man.”
I smirked. I knew he could do it. The contest had gone so long that it was starting to encroach on SNL time, which was a problem because my old neighbor, Kanye, was the musical guest. I fired off a text to him for support.
I totally forgot him and Drake had beef because I regifted ‘Ye a pair of socks Drake gave me for my birthday once. They still won’t talk to each other, it’s a whole thing. Kanye’s been busy with the album stuff, so he’s a little on edge. I think that’s why he screamed at me when I told him I liked his first title choice for the album the most. Here’s an artist’s rendering of The Life of Pablo’s cover with my preferred title.
So, just as I’m about to run damage control with ‘Ye, I look up and see Zatch perfectly executing El Capitan. I’ve always loved watching how he moves in the air. His limbs are long enough where you can clearly see every motion as he’s doing it. I never get tired of seeing him hang in mid-air like that and then come down with this brutal ferocity, like he’s getting revenge on the rim.
It was perfect. 10s across the board. Zach won. I couldn’t have been happier for him. I wanted to run up and give him a noogie or something, but I wanted to let the moment be his. I snuck out of the arena, headed back to my hotel, and ordered those tacos again. I got salsa everywhere this time too.
Sunday: After my crazy big Saturday, I slept like a rock. I had just gotten to the Toronto airport, making sure I had my passport and everything I needed to fly to LA to help Miguel and The Weeknd prep the choreography for their Grammys performances, when my mom texted me. She said my cousin, Lindsay, who lives in OP, just went into labor and that she was on her way to the hospital with the dog. Now my family lives in Michigan but she was still flying to KC for my cousin. I rebooked my flight from LAX to MCI at the last minute and was ready to go see my new baby cousin. Just before I had to go on airplane mode, my mom forwarded me a picture of him Lindsay sent her.
Even when he’s all wrinkly, he’s adorable. I’m writing all of this from the waiting room of Overland Park Regional, and I’m just about to go in and meet Hayes for the first time. Even with all the incredible stuff I’ve done this weekend, this is the most exciting.
Here I am holding the little guy.
There you have it: a typical, very real, definitely not made up weekend in the life of Jackson Byam.