To the girl who is in Loss from Her first Breakup
I wish I could tell you that it gets better fast. From my experience it doesn’t. I am literally trying to breathe and swim across rough waters. I am a swimmer but most of the time right now I am just floating. I tell myself that it is okay, that this pain will slowly go away. I tell myself that it will leave my body in the way bruises slowly begin to heal. I always wanted a gut wrenching love, a love that left me breathless. I got it.
It felt great. He was unlike anyone I had ever met but some things must just come to an end. At times all I feel is sadness and vacancy around me. Sometimes the colors around me seem too dreary. Sometimes I miss laughter. I miss his laughter but I also miss mine. I miss so much that it can be overwhelming. I miss being visible to someone.
Yet, I’m here. I’m floating in this blue water. It’s okay to cry. I want you to know that your pain is yours and no one should tell you how to feel or not feel. I also want you to know that you matter. You deserve to exist. I know that at the moment it is hard to grasp that, it can feel as if you are this vindictive individual, maybe if you had stayed you could have worked out things. Sometimes you’ll feel awful, you will tell yourself you could have tried harder. But girl you gave all you could give. I gave all I could give.
I don’t know what the future lies for me or for you but girl we deserve the world. I know you think my words may sound nice and serene but most of the time I don’t feel that way. I struggle every single day. I have to carry my weight and the realization that I walked away. I’ve heard people tell me I’m brave and strong but I don’t feel that way. I feel like a six year old child that is lost in the supermarket, in between so many people and is constantly scared and having a hard time to breathe.
I have to tell myself that I am worth it. I have to learn to fight for myself again without someone telling me I am worthy. I have to miss him everyday. I walked away.
Sometimes I think I didn’t do enough. I go over everything, thinking what I could have done better. I feel that his presence still lingers around me. Yet he is gone. I haven’t seen him, all that remains is a mental memory, one that most times is too hard to recall.
It’s not easy, so cry if you want. Scream if you need to. We are in rough waters but the shore will come. I have to think the shore will come. I have to think I’m worth the safety of land.
Girl please keep swimming, float if you have to, but keep at it. Girl we have to think that we are an attribute to this world. We have to live without this pain pulling us into the corner like a lost child…Land will come.