The Booze Binger
Did someone say shots? Probably not, but this person will finish a bottle of Burnett’s by the time I finish this sentence. Whether it’s pre-gaming two hours before the party starts or taking shots every five minutes, this person is on a mission and will probably drink all of your alcohol.
The Dancer
All this person needs is a good beat and some liquid courage. It starts off innocently enough — just a slow swaying. However, don’t be fooled. This nice little dance will escalate to the climax of them wall-twerking in your kitchen while listening to Partition.
The Scrounger
You probably won’t see this person very often because they have their face buried in your fridge. Three-week-old leftovers you forgot to throw out? That pizza you just ordered? No worries because this person will have it gone before the delivery guy says “That will be $10.52.”
The Singer
Do you hear that? That screeching sound? For a second you think there is animal cruelty happening in the next room but, to your relief, it’s just your good friend attempting to sing whatever song’s playing at the moment. This person has the stage presence of Beyoncé but a voice stuck between a dying animal and Fergie without auto-tune. But who cares? As long as they are enjoying themselves.
The Bud Bug
This friend is pretty loyal, nice and slightly sarcastic, and oh yeah, did I mention that they love to smoke? This person is the epitome of kush enthusiasts: red eyes, chill attitude, tie dye shirts and the weed tolerance of Bob Marley. Once the alcohol starts taking affect, this person and their loyal group usually head off to perform some “illegal activities” and then come back to marvel at the drunk people embarrassing themselves.
The Beer Pong “Champion”
“Look me in the eyes.” “BOOM” *high-five sound* “Don’t touch the ball yet.” “Why are you touching the cup?” “Have you even played before?”
Just some of the many phrases you’ll hear from the beer pong table. This person finds extreme pride in bouncing a small ping pong ball into cups of water and isn’t worried about flaunting it. Whether it’s dancing around the room after scoring the winning shot or leaving the party when they lose, this person takes the game very seriously and will probably yell at you sometime during the night.
The Puker
Everyone’s having a great time — music blasting, people talking, ping pong balls splashing. Everything seems content. You glance over at your friend and you notice something strange — green coloration, slightly sweaty, look of extreme discomfort. The warning signs. You sober up in two seconds, but it’s already too late. You can feel it in the air when suddenly *cliché horror movie scream* your shoes are ruined.
The person who constantly tells everyone that they’re drunk
“I think I’m drunk” That person who “I think I’m drunk” feels the need “I REALLY think I’m drunk” to constantly “Oh mY GOd, I’m so drunk” express how drunk they are.
The Existential Friend
You try to avoid this person because you know their tendencies. It takes approximately three shots and a cup of jungle juice and he turns into a long-dead philosopher you read about in Ethics class. You just wanted to relax on the couch and now you’re trapped in an endless spiral into the meaning of life. You want to say, “I’m way too drunk for this, dude,” but I hope you’re comfortable because you’ll probably be there all night.
The Tinder Match
“Hey, are you going to introduce me to your guy?” “Aw, you guys met 20 minutes ago? How romantic!” *15 minutes later* “Alright, dude. It was cool to meet you! Are you safe to get home? Have a great night”
The Blackout
It’s getting pretty late in the night and you can’t find “insert name here.” You search the house for two minutes before finding them passed out in your bed. The poor soul probably pre-gamed too hard and now they are resembling the body at an open-casket funeral. After assessing the situation to ensure that they are safe, you bring them a couple cups of water and a trash can while they belligerently speak to you in another language. Sweet friendship.