I just graduated from School of the Heart, a three-month Christian discipleship school in Harrisburg, PA designed to teach students how to better love God, love others, and love themselves. I’m still taking the time to process all that I learned there, but one of the most obvious areas of growth is the way that I see myself.
Before School of the Heart, I believed that there was something uniquely and horribly wrong with me. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of being loved, and that I couldn’t ask for help without being a burden. I saw myself as someone who shouldn’t really exist anyway, and so I spent a lot of my time trying to prove to myself and others that I was worth existing, trying to be someone else, or trying to take up as little space as possible.
I lived as though the only way I could be worth something was to be as perfect as possible, and even then, it was never good enough. I was so focused on achievement that I often wouldn’t let myself feel or accept my emotions, because they weren’t “productive.” I thought my heart was a burden, so I ran from it, wracked with confusion, fear, and half-acknowledged doubt. I am stunned by how much all of this has changed over the last three months. I believe that I am someone who can be and will be and is loved. I believe that I can ask for help without minimizing my needs, and sometimes I even do. (I’m still working on that one.) I believe that my flaws do not negate my value. I believe that I AM supposed to exist!
This all happened because I experienced unconditional love. I used to think that unconditional love was the way that relatives are stuck with you, requiring them to love you. Now, I know that unconditional love is far better. Unconditional love is not a state of being stuck with someone, but a choice to treat someone lovingly over and over again, even when they’re weird, even when they’re getting on your nerves, even when they do something wrong. It’s that kind of love that has taught me how to love myself.
There were so many moments when this unconditional love was chipping away at my self-hatred, but I’d like to share a few. This is Phil and Melissa, sometimes referred to by their couple name, “Philissa.” They came up from Texas to spend a week with us, and they are easily some of the most loving people I’ve ever met. I had the amazing privilege of having a one-on-one with Phil and Melissa, and as I explained to them how I didn’t like myself, they showed me a different perspective. They told me that it’s okay that I’m really different from many of the people around me, and I started to believe them. They hugged me in a “Philissa Sandwich” and told me that I was valuable and beautiful. They loved me with such sincerity that I believed them.
Later that night, during a time of silent contemplation, I realized that had been believing that I wasn’t supposed to exist, and I decided to fight that lie. There was a lot going on at that time, and it wasn’t just my moment with Philissa that led to this transformation, but their love had a profound impact. This is Lili. Lili was one of my roommates, so I spent a lot of time with her, but there was one moment in particular that has changed my life. One night before bed, we were talking, and I opened up to her about one of the challenges that I was facing. During the conversation, she looked me in the eye and told me that I wasn’t alone, and that she would always be fighting for me. Almost instantly, I was sobbing, because her words reached my heart, and I could see how loved I was. She invited me to climb into her bed, and I just cried while she hugged me. In that moment, I was face-to-face with the reality that I was loved and could ask for help.
It was moments like these—moments when the community around me demonstrated that I was worthy of love—that taught me how to love myself. Next week, I’ll give some of the tools that are helping me to live out my newfound healthy identity.
If you’re reading this, and you struggle with self-hatred, you’re not alone. I promise that there are people who love you. You are enough. You are worthy of love. If you’re struggling, it can be hard to reach out, but please ask for help. The first step to loving yourself is discovering that you’re not alone.
If you need to talk to someone, here are some resources at Kenyon that will offer help:
Kenyon College Peer Counselors: 740-398-3806
Kenyon College Counseling Center: 740-427-5643
You can also speak to your CA or a faculty member who you feel close to on campus.
Image Credit: Maggie Griffin