My first class on Monday is a 10:10. And, like clockwork, at around 10:15, my heart rate rises. I have no explanation for this. My body acts like it’s been shot with adrenaline. My current theory is it’s my new medication doing this, but so be it. Any ability to keep still is gone, and focusing is a difficult task. Did you know that a hyped up brain has no interest in listening to a professor speak?
This happens every day.Once my heart rate settles, I see if my focus will as well. I try to just listen and focus in on one person’s voice, not on someone’s hat, or tree movement outside, or the sound of someone’s pen. If there are no exterior distractions, there are about a million interior ones: “What’s for lunch? I wonder how effective a Remembrall could possibly be. Why did we start eating cereal for breakfast?” My mind has a tendency to buzz around topics, darting in and out. But I grit my teeth and try to ignore…me. And I attempt to listen. Sometimes I have a really good day. I register everything my professor says, and I can work diligently and efficiently in class. On those days, I can leave class and do some homework. I can read 100 pages for English, start working on my logic homework, maybe write an essay. Those days are great.
But that’s not normally my reality. Normally, I catch and retain maybe half of what’s said in class. It’s not a question of zoning out on purpose. My mind doesn’t just drift. There are some points when, try as I might, I can’t focus. Or, sometimes, when people make a comment, my mind just goes off thinking about it instead of continuing to follow the conversation.When it comes to work, most of the time I need a background of white noise to do much of anything. I literally need to block everything else out to do one thing. Studying isn’t just a discipline, but a ritual of giving myself 10 minute intervals to do work, and enticing myself with treats. Ah, yes—I have a reward system. People talk about studying for hours. I don’t think I’ve EVER done such a thing. I’m proud if I can study for 20 minutes. If you think that’s not conducive for a college student, you’d be right.
Even being part of conversations has it’s moments of difficulty. I’ll miss minutes worth of talking and get really lost. Where was I? Oh, just in my mind. I love to debate, but sometimes I don’t even register what the other person said. It seems ridiculous to ask them to repeat everything they’ve said. You seem slow.
And you know what? All of this is kind of embarrassing.
It’s embarrassing that to get most things done, I have to make it an event. I have to put myself on lock down for an hour, and give myself 15 minute intervals of pure concentration to try to do something. It’s embarrassing that studying is so stupidly hard. I don’t find work hard to do because I’m bored. I find it hard because it’s hard for me. The school tasks that everyone figured out how to do when they were eight are things that I still haven’t mastered.
When my friends and I are working together, they can talk and work, and I can’t. It’s unfair and frustrating. I feel left out of things because I’m just not able to work in that kind of environment. I get frustrated when people goof off when I’m finally able to do something, and I’ll snap at people. I know it’s not the best thing for me to do, but they can just go back to work a second later. I can’t. I have to rework at focussing. My friends being incapable to understand why it’s so frustrating to me that they’ll create a distraction just reiterates how little people understand about learning disabilities. Yeah, I know they can talk and just go back to their essay a moment later. I can’t.I have ADD and anxiety. I know I’m not stupid. I know I’m not just being lazy. But every day, I sit in class, and I realize that for someone who loves learning, I may not be great at the whole learning process.
This article is my shout into the universe about my frustration. It’s me banging my head against my keys, trying to articulate how honestly annoying this all is. Because it’s not just my frustration. It’s thousands of people’s every day challenge.