Have you ever looked at all those relationships out there and thought, “gosh, I’d really like a homegrown one.” A natural, deep-rooted, maybe even organic relationship. Well you know what fits that description to a T? A potato. That’s right, your friendly neighborhood spuds are here to tell you the best ways to get your crush to notice you using the most valuable resource around: potatoes.
Tip #1:
Roll a potato towards potential spuds you would like to mate with. It’s important that the potato have your phone number carved into it. Also, the potato should be fresh, like how you look everyday because clearly you’re fly as hell. Try to do this in crowded places, as more people will have the chance to trip on your potato and fall…in love with you.
Tip #2:
Make your potential bae jealous by making out with a potato in class. Rub those luscious lips of yours around the sweet, hard skin of a potato, and talk about how you guys are *gettin serious.* Bae won’t be able to pay attention to their Chem lecture when they’re jealously eyeing you and your starchy, beautiful babaaay.
Tip #3:
Make sex noises when consuming French fries to get your wannabe sweetie in the mood. Say ‘OOOOUUUH YEAAAHH’ loudly as you consume large, thick fries. Lick the fries excessively and say ‘YES, YES, YES!’ with vigor as you stick each one in your mouth. Drag the fries across your lips seductively, using your tongue as effectively as possible. Better yet, bathe your fries in ketchup and drag it across your whole face, then suck the ketchup off – be sure to make loud slurping noises while doing so – all while making intense eye contact. By the end of the meal, they’ll want to have what you’re having.
Tip #4:
Dress up as a potato-head for a party and spend all night looking for your other half by yelling things like, “Lost my lips, help me find them!” across the dance floor. Better yet, cover your parts with potatoes for Shock Your Mom in the spring. After all, you’ll look practically nude, and this will make your suitors think of you in your best suit…your birthday suit.
Tip #5:
In order to heat things up you gotta start cold. Grab some frozen French fries from the market and carry them everywhere you go to show how strong you are. This works like a mating call. Then, when you see your crush approaching, drop all the fries so that they will help you pick them up. You’ll walk away with more than just potatoes in your arms.
Tip #6:
Is your crush an athlete? Show bae you have eyes for them by planting potato eyes all over the field where your crush plays games. All of your crush’s games will be cancelled due to this new potato farm, giving you more time with bae and the opportunity to offer emotional support (and raise potatoes together). Once the season is over, then you can really plant your seed. Invite your sproutnificant other over for a picnic in the varsity potato field. Beforehand, dig up a nice patch of potatoes so that you can give bae a nice bouquet, but don’t give it to them until they see the giant hole in the ground and are under the impression that you’re about to bury them. This will make bae vulnerable and more likely to appreciate your home-grown bouquet. Right when your spudmuffin is on the verge of tears (because they will be so overjoyed at the effort you went through for them), wrap your arms around them and whisper, “This is where it all began.” This will turn bae on so much that you will get down and dirty in the bed of potatoes you just harvested. After all, who needs a bed of rose petals when you’ve got a bed of profitable crops?
From these professional tips (seriously, guys, Vanity Fair phoned us and said they ALL worked) you can most definitely get your crush to like you. The next time you see a potato, grab that goddamn thing and keep it in storage. You may need it one day.
Image credits: Daily Mail, MemeCenter, Tumblr