Sometimes, another person’s situation is out of your personal control and that is okay. Luckily, Kenyon College has amazing resources with people who are trained to deal with all sorts of trauma and emergencies. Below are some useful contacts:
PC HOTLINE: (740) 398-3806
SMA HOTLINE: (740) 358-1544
COUNSELING CENTER: (740) 427-5643
It’s getting to be that time. You just had midterms (or you’re about to have them), your workload and extracurriculars are picking up, and the school year is in full swing. You’re busy, your friends are busy, and it’s hard to be there for yourself and your friends if something goes wrong.
I know the feeling all too well. It’s a Monday, I get to lunch and one of my friends comes in, eyes red and half open, stressed to the brim about homework. Or I start to see less of a friend, notice that they’re going out more and keeping more to themselves. Whatever it is, I know the feeling—you feel the need to be responsible for your friends.
And that is completely normal! In fact, pat yourself on the back because you’re being a great friend. While I always maintain that you yourself should always be your first priority, looking out for friends is an incredible thing to do. As someone who has spent a large portion of my life dedicated to learning about the importance of counseling, practicing how to counsel others, and understanding the science and psychology behind counseling, I highly value being a support system.
With that said, I know it’s hard to know how exactly how to be a support system for your friends. It’s scary to not know the right thing to say. However, arguably we are in one of the hardest times of our lives. We are at the crossroads of adulthood and childhood—one foot in the real world and one foot safely in Gambier. We’re being told to study stuff in order to be productive members of society while we’re in a tiny village in Gambier where we’re practically children.
I don’t want to go off-topic, but all I’m saying is that I understand that life right now can be tricky emotionally. So here are some tips and tricks that I’ve learned from my experience counseling other people, and hopefully, they help!
Acknowledge Feelings
Sometimes, all we need to know that someone understands our feelings and that those feelings are okay. I can tell you right now that there is nothing more detrimental than being denied the right to feel a certain way. You are entitled to your feelings. I feel like shouting that from the rooftops.
So, say your friend gets a bad grade on a test. Maybe you know that she chose to watch ten episodes of “The Office” last night instead of reviewing her study guide. It is not your job as a friend to remind your friend of her missteps. Instead, give her a verbal pat on the back. I promise this goes a long way. Most of the time, all we need is the acknowledgment that someone understands what we’re going through
Understand Your Role
Your job is not to fix other people’s problems. If we had the ability to perfect other people’s lives, problems would not exist. You do not have the tools to fix what is broken in someone else’s life. And you’re not supposed to.
Friends are the shoulder you need to cry on when you’re upset. Friends are the hug that you need when you miss your parents. Friends are the people you dance stupidly with when you’re stressed out. But friends are friends. You are not a licensed therapist, and if you don’t know how to help a friend, that is okay. It’s more important to give a friend the strength to fix their own lives than it is to try and supply the tools ourselves.
Advice to Not Give Advice
I know that this one sounds a little backward, but hear me out. One of the most useful skills I learned with counseling was to never give advice. Sounds weird, but it works. I was dubious at first, but if you apply it to yourself, it makes sense.
Say that there’s a party, and you’re deciding between two dresses. You like the way one looks more, but the other is more comfortable. Your mom tells you to wear the one that looks better one, and then you end up spending the entire night fidgeting, Your mom looks at the photos and comments how great you look, but all you can think about is how uncomfortable you were. Why? Because no one has to face the consequences of advice but yourself.
To be honest, we seldom follow other people’s advice. While sometimes it is nice to hear another person’s perspective, it really does little for us to simply act on another person’s suggestion. Even though it seems simpler to just add in your two cents, you’re a better support system if you work with your friend and help them figure out what they want, rather than telling them what you would do.
You Are Your Own Priority
If you’ve read some of my other writing, you know that this is a big value that I hold near and dear to my heart. I firmly believe that at the end of the day, you and you alone are your biggest priority. Friends are incredible and I have people in my life that have truly lifted me up when I was at rock bottom; however, there is no one that you will ever have to trust and love more than yourself. This may sound silly, but trust me on this one.
There is no way to try and help someone else before you can help yourself. If you are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, you are not in the position to properly help another person. Give yourself support and love before you take on another person’s burdens. I’m a Peer Counselor, and there are times where I just have to reschedule meetings with other students because I’m stressed or sick, and know that I’m not in a state to help someone else. Ultimately, it’s better for all involved.
I have included the numbers for resources on campus above for this exact reason. Are you stressed with homework, but your friend is having a crisis? Lucky for you, there are trained, confidential resources right here on campus!
So here are a couple tips and tricks for being a great support system on campus. As always, this is not fool proof, and counseling can be a bumpy road. There are some times where I feel confident in what I’m doing, and other times where I feel defeated in not being able to make another person feel better. However, it’s always important to give yourself a pat on the back, and know that it is incredible no matter what to simply want to be a support system.
So keep your head up, let your friends know that you’re there for them, and remember to keep yourself healthy above all. Happy supporting, friends!
Image credits: Giphy.com