A Guide To Drinking Coffee, For (And By) Someone Who Hates Coffee
I’ll be honest: I’ve never been able to relate when people complain about Peirce coffee. I hear a lot about it, but I genuinely can’t tell if it’s burnt, under-cooked (is that possible?), or not…steeped…enough? Do you steep coffee? Or is that just a tea thing? It all tastes the same to me.
Anyway, the gist of it is that a) I know nothing about coffee, Jon Snow, and b) I can’t taste any possible failings in Peirce coffee because c) I can only drink coffee if it tastes nothing like coffee, and therefore d) I have perfected the following methods to use Peirce ingredients to make Starbucks knockoff drinks that’ll still give you a caffeine rush without the detriment of having to drink something that tastes like it originated from any sort of coffee bean found in nature.
(Fair warning: if you, unlike me, are a coffee connoisseur, the following concoctions will probably make you want to vomit and then throw a Keurig machine at my head.)
Death By Chocolate
Fill your cup about three-quarters full with coffee, and then add:
–Hot chocolate mix. I’ve found it’s best to mix this in first, because the hot coffee will dissolve it quickly.
–Chocolate syrup, if there’s any by the soft-serve machine. This usually settles to the bottom of your cup no matter how hard you stir it, but that’s okay, because you get an extra-chocolaty final sip.
–Chocolate milk. Add this last, because it brings down the temperature of the coffee, which makes it hard for the hot chocolate to dissolve if you haven’t put it in already.
And voila! It tastes kind of like a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks, but is probably even less healthy for you.
Cinnamon Caramel Coffee
Again, start with a three-quarters-full cup of coffee, and add:
–Vanilla fro-yo. It makes the coffee creamy, rich, and delightfully high in calories. Make sure you stir it thoroughly so it all melts—a surprise mouthful of soft-serve in a hot beverage is actually not as pleasant as it sounds.
-Cinnamon sugar from the bagel station. I usually do this to taste, which for me is an absurd amount of sugar, probably around three or four spoons.
–Milk, if like me you’re a weenie and can still vaguely taste coffee even post-soft-serve and cinnamon sugar.
This one tastes a lot like a Starbucks cinnamon dolce latte, if I do say so myself.
If you decide to try making what my mother charmingly calls “heart disease in a cup,” I wish you the best of luck, from one chronic sweet-tooth to another!