Katy Perry and I have unfinished business. I’ve got nothing against her personally, but a silent frustration has been building in me ever since her song “California Gurls” invaded the earth last summer. But it wasn’t until I came to Ohio that I realized how much damage Katy had done. She has completely misrepresented us California Girls to the rest of the world. Now I feel it is my time, nay, my obligation to speak out on behalf of California Girls everywhere (although I guess they’d mostly be in California). Here’s the cold, hard, truth: California is not what Katy Perry says it is. It’s time for the people to know the truth, so I, a native of Los Angeles, am going to take you through this song and right as many wrongs as I can, so that California can finally start to heal from the wound Katy Perry has so cruelly inflicted upon it. Here we go:
Greetings loved ones
Let's take a journey
Ok so this is actually something you could hear said in California on a daily basis by yoga teachers, beach gurus, your mom, etc. Let’s just move on…
I know a place
Where the grass is really greener
Don’t be deceived, our grass is literally just as green as the grass you would find in any other coastal area.
Warm, wet, and wild
There must be somethin' in the water
There’s nothing in our water but good old H2O and if she thinks differently then she can take that up with the Department of Water & Power.
Sippin' gin and juice
Layin' underneath the palm trees
People in California have jobs too, ok??? They don’t spend their days lounging around and drinking. And if they did, it definitely wouldn’t be gin and juice.
The boys break their necks
Tryin' to creep a little sneak peek
First of all, how dare she make fun of innocent children breaking their necks. C’mon, Katy, imagine the medical bills. Second of all, they don’t need to break their necks tryin’ to creep a peek, they can just…look at us. We’re not hiding. We’re like right there.
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Katy, have you actually visited every inch of the world? Nope? I didn’t think so. So you wouldn’t know. I mean have you even been to Turks and Caicos? I hear its pretty close to the golden coast.
Once you party with us
You'll be fallin' in love
Look, you can’t hurry love. Maybe after a pleasant evening you might feel a connection, but love takes time. Don’t be fooled. One party won’t get you love. Herpes, maybe, but love, probably not.
California girls, we're unforgettable
Depends on how drunk you were.
Daisy dukes, bikinis on top
NO!!! Never. Never ever.
Sun-kissed skin, so hot
We'll melt your popsicle
This just makes us look evil. We may have sun-kissed skin, but we’re not monsters! We would never melt your popsicle. That’s so mean.
California girls, we're undeniable
I’ve been denied before, so, yeah, that’s not true.
Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock
Got what on lock?? I’m not even going to address this one since she doesn’t specify.
Now put your hands up
It is a sad truth that people from California actually really want people to know that they’re from California, so represent, I guess.
Sex on the beach
Ew. No self-respecting Cali girl would do this. It is a strictly tourist activity. Sand everywhere…gross.
We don’t mind sand in our stilettos
Again, no true Cali girl is dumb enough to wear stilettos to the beach. And if we somehow got sand in our shoes we definitely would care. Any human being would. Sand sucks.
We freak in my jeep
I drive a Volkswagen.
Snoop Doggy Dogg on the stereo
We just call him “Snoop.”
Then comes that damn chorus again. Let’s skip it, please.
Fit and ready
That’s kind of rude to assume that all of us are fit and ready. Some of us are fit but not ready, others of us are ready but not fit, and some of us are neither fit nor ready. Only a small fraction of us are both fit and ready.
Turn it up cause its gettin' heavy
Wild wild west coast
These are the girls I love the most
Aw! Thanks, Snoop! We love you too.
I mean the ones
I mean like she's the one
Squeeze her buns
Ok, I take it back. Please don’t objectify us. Rude.
The girl's a freak
She drive a jeep
In Laguna Beach
Again with the jeep? I drive a Volkswagen!!! How am I supposed to relate to this?
I won't play
I love the bay
Just like I love LA
And Palm Springs
Summertime is everything
Whatever, Snoop, you’re drunk. Or high. Or both.
All that ass
Please define “bangin’ out” because it sounds violent
Martinis, no weenies
What the hell? Bikinis…Zucchinis…martinis…weenies. Is this some kind of effed up word association game? If so, you’re losing.
Just the King
And the Queeny
California does not have a sitting royal monarchy.
Katy my lady (yeah)
Lookie here baby (uh huh)
I'm all up on ya
Cuz you're representin' California (ohhh yeahh)
Who elected Katy Perry to be the universal spokesperson for the entire state? Huh? Cause she’s doing a terrible job.
And then that damn chorus, one last time.
And in conclusion I’d like to quote a Yahoo! Answers user known only as “Bella,” when he/she said:
“Every thinng about that song is stupid and pointless. Ecspecially the music video. I mean CUPCAKES ON HER BOOBS??!? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!?!?!? The song is like about summer and hanging out on the beach. The music video I geuss is about having fun in candy Land. To me,It sucks.”
Well said, “Bella.” Eloquent and precise. I couldn’t have said it better myself.