We grow up surrounded by couples like Jim and Pam, Carrie and Big, Ted and the Mother, Luke and Lorelai, Ross and Rachel. The list goes on and on, but that’s just television. I could name movies, books, plays, poems, and countless Taylor Swift songs that are allegedly feeding us “unrealistic expectations.” We see and hear phrases like #relationshipgoals, dream date and the ever popular “I’d die without you.”
Is our generation conditioned to be too romantic? We are force-fed a love-centric culture, told to deny the possibility of romance in everyday life, and then we idealize the concept of romance as a result. In short, we have the perfect conditions to daydream about cheesy-kiss-me-in-the-rain moments and then deny the appeal. On one hand, we’re supposed to achieve these unattainable standards, but on the other, we can’t actively desire these standards. Those who do are living in a fantasy…so I’ve been told.
I won’t lie; I frequently fall into the stereotypical idealist who swoons over period dramas on PBS and cries at the same old plot devices recycled by romantic comedies. Maybe it comes from the absurd amount of classic literature, musical theater, vintage film, and Disney propaganda I was exposed to as a child, but it’s still a part of my psyche. My tendencies towards romantic idealism are just as severe as anyone else’s. Too often growing up, though, I felt as if it was my personal responsibility, as a modern woman and thinker, to smother any romantic and idealistic tendencies. I feared and still fear being seen as “too” naive, optimistic… and, worst of all, romantic.
The older I get, the more I feel that the notion of being too romantic is confined as a feminine concept designed for evaluating the priorities of women. If a man, like Ted Mosby, is “incurably romantic,” the world sees him as a one in a million brand of guy. He’s the dreamboat that every lady should desire, but his female counterpart, the Carrie Bradshaw of this world, is labeled “pathetic,” “dependent,” and “unrealistic.” In other words, men can’t be “too romantic,” but if a single woman shows symptoms of romance… she’s a lost cause. Does this mean you should abandon your notion of the ideal relationship, or does this mean it’s time to reject a culture that imposes double standards on both women’s emotions and their salaries?
If I’m being honest, I don’t want to be the sort of person who doesn’t cry at Gone With the Wind or feel the tension of A Brief Encounter. However, I also don’t think that the object of someone’s affection should be idolized. They’re a person, not the sun.
You have every right to feel what you feel. You have every right to love who you love, how you want to love them. There is no such thing as too romantic!
There is, however, such a thing as being too focused on romance. At this age, our lives shouldn’t revolve around a relationship. We should be focusing on self-development and discovery. If that involves another human being who brings you a daily dose of love and affection, then great. If not, you don’t need to be on the hunt. You’re not hopeless, just because you’re not hopelessly in love.
There are a few signs that you’re too focused on your love life:
1. You’re neglecting other people in your life, including yourself.
2. You take time you don’t have out of your day.
3. You say or do things you wouldn’t normally do to foster their attention.
4. You daydream about conversations or interactions that are never going to happen.
5. Your social media stalking is out of hand. You glorify communication through technology instead of face-to-face contact.
6. You’ve made friends with their friends as an excuse to spend more time with them.
7. You’re less focused on classes than usual, but that doesn’t feel like a problem.
And, most of all:
8. You are emotionally invested in something or someone that hasn’t happened yet.
9. You give up on a person if they don’t suit your idea of the perfect match, but…
10. You can’t be happy without a crush or relationship to satiate you.
There’s no quick and easy solution to this, other than to recognize what is making you unhappy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something romantic or wanting someone, but obsessing about it is fruitless. You have every right to be romantic, and no one can take that from you. Nevertheless, if you notice these ten things keeping you from being happy, you might be seeking romantic affirmation instead of self-actualization.
Just remind yourself,
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