We have spent roughly the normal amount of time that any normal person would spend imagining how our favorite celebrities spend Thanksgiving, because that is a normal thing to do. Hold on to your Peircegiving food babies, keep your cornucopias at the ready, and loosen your trousers, because here’s a breakdown of six can’t-miss celebrations we expect to be arrested for crashing next Thursday!
1) Classy and Delicious: Neil Patrick Harris and his equally gorgeous, talented, Cordon Bleu-trained husband David Burtka. They will make you feel instantly at home and will gently remind you to call your mother. Warm Ovaltine as a nightcap, anyone?
Signature food: Literally everything you could possibly want in a Thanksgiving feast, and it will all be perfect and beautiful.
Additional guests:
- Sir Elton John
- Lady Gaga
- Idina Menzel
- Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi
- Josh Radnor (Just kidding. Josh is spending the holiday at home, reading obscure David Foster Wallace short stories and sewing leather elbow patches onto all his shirts.)
2) Pinterest Perfect: Taylor Swift. Her apartment is decorated with the world’s largest collection of twinkly lights and is completely immaculate, so don’t you dare drip gravy on the carpet (or her wildly expensive cats, Meredith and Olivia).
Signature food: Cupcakes shaped like turkeys holding cupcakes.
Additional guests:
- Zooey Deschanel
- Lena Dunham
- Lorde
- Blake Lively (invited for passive-aggressive competitive reasons)
- Lauren Conrad (ditto)
3) Avant Garde: James Franco. He will never let you forget the true origins of Thanksgiving, and by the time he’s done describing exactly what syphilis will do to a human body if left untreated, your appetite will be gone, just like the rapidly-melting modern art installation made out of mashed potatoes and Vaseline (for holding power).
Signature food: An entire dead rainbow trout covered with Dijon mustard ice cream “to protest the emotional harassment of Starbucks baristas.”
Additional guests:
- A life-size body pillow with Andy Warhol’s face on it
- Yoko Ono, ready to serenade her friends après-dinner
- Seth Rogen
- SNL’s city correspondent, Stefon
- Jaden and Willow Smith
4) Painfully Awkward: Michael Cera. If you thrive on short guest lists and long stretches of silence, this is definitely the party for you. Bring a warm sweater and be prepared to never speak above a stilted mumble, or you might shatter Michael’s delicate eardrums.
Signature food: A turkey wearing a turtleneck. Michael will not be if you try to call it a “turkleneck.”
Additional guests:
- Jesse Eisenberg
- Several resentful cats
5) Drama: The Kardashians. Their long-suffering producers have dredged the darkest corners of reality TV to bring together a guest list that hits the ratings jackpot. Bring a change of clothes, because there will be at least two televised table flips, plus countless glasses of wine being thrown in various faces. Also be sure to eat something beforehand, because the hors d’oeuvres are just props, and it will be a long time before the producers get enough good takes of Kim and Kanye posing naked for one of many annual holiday cards to let everyone eat dinner.
Signature Food: Gravy vodka shots; mashed potatoes garnished with flaming $100 bills.
Additional guests:
- Charlie Sheen
- Heidi Montag
- Spencer Pratt
- Tila Tequila
- Bret Michaels (complete with Rock of Love party bus)
- Tiffany from ANTM
- Perez Hilton
- Bethenny Frankel
- Alex from Target
6) Stoner’s paradise: Woody Harrelson. To celebrate several states’ recent legalizations of, as the youths call it, the wacky tobaccy, Woody is throwing the most mellow Thanksgiving celebration of all time. The dress code is stoner semi-formal, aka onesies and Birkenstocks, and the après-dinner activities will involve watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade while wearing 3-D glasses.
Signature food: The entire Taco Bell menu and a can of cranberry sauce.
Additional guests:
- Cheech (Chong has a prior engagement)
- Jeff Bridges
- Snoop Dogg
- Waka Flocka Flame, plus his recently-hired blunt-roller
- Seth Rogen, who’s party-hopping
We wish you a great Thanksgiving break, even if yours isn’t star-studded!
Images:
dailymail.co.uk
imgur.com
mediacache.com
eonline.com
celebstoner.com