I lived my whole life hearing how friends have been abused mentally, and even physically, in their relationships. I have heard of how my friends were cheated on, or have cheated on, their significant others in one way or another. I have heard friends simply feel unloved by their significant other, in such a way that they wanted there to be no chance of tomorrow. I have witnessed all their pain and all their guilt. I have shaken my head at them mentioning how they had still made the decision to continue with their relationship despite the heartbreak and misery seen on both ends of the relationship. I swore to myself I would never put myself in their shoes. Someone who would choose someone else over me, or someone who wouldn’t value me, when they’re supposed to be dedicated to only me, was never somebody I wanted in my life. I said that those are situations in which I saw no second chances.
It’s a totally different situation when it finally happens to you.
I’ve heard those words said to me, and I have felt my heart rip in two. I have had the tears fall from my eyes and create a puddle around me.
I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t desired. I was valued less than another.
All the trust I had given was blown away by one decision.
If you recall last semester, I wrote an article about how I have made peace with the male population. I wrote about how society had taught me to only value myself, because men only value women for their bodies and nothing more. Men themselves had taught me their personal body count was more important than the mental and physical damage that could be done to a girl through his words and actions. I had seen through personal experience, as well as heard stories and lessons, that a guarded heart was better to have than a broken one.
However, that article was written to show how one boy had changed my opinion of the entire male sex. That one boy taught me how to love not just another, but truly love myself. That boy taught me that confidence is something that can be gained, and that self-confidence is one of the most attractive traits a person can have. I was taught that goals don’t have to be definite, and that no passion is too much. The more I let him in, the more I think I let myself go, and the lower my guard went down.
That wonderful boy who never let me go to sleep without a goodnight message, could read my emotions like no other, who got to know every bit about me, broke my heart faster than I could blink. That boy brought back my original doubt in guys.
When I was told of the situation, I almost walked away. I almost walked down the street at 2 in the morning, straight to my apartment that was a 20 minute walk away, never to come out again. I almost did so many unimaginable things that would make me completely lose sight of who I was. But instead, I decided to try to hear him out, quite literally through the sound of our collective sobs, and tried to figure out my next move.
After pouring my heart and soul into this relationship, I said to myself that I wouldn’t decide on its future without first sleeping on it. I knew he had given up on me and I knew he had looked for someone else when I wasn’t enough. I knew that the contents of our fight had led to his actions, and I knew my actions had led to the contents of our fight. The blame wasn’t purely on him. Just as he had given up on me, we had both given up on what was important in our relationship, and we forgot why we were in this partnership to start with.
We talked everything over again the next morning, including how much we wanted to keep fighting to be together. While it sounds crazy, we threw more dirt into the fire, asking what we hate about each other. While this hurt to hear almost as much as it hurt to say, it wasn’t all new information. Through this now undisclosed information, we learned what we may need to personally work on to better ourselves as individuals, as well as a unit. It’s led to personal growth, and hopefully will continue to grow our relationship.
But recovering is still a process. I have felt the pain myself, and I continue to face the pain almost every day. I have struggled to heal from this, and I’m struggling to learn from this. Some days, I feel as worthless and betrayed as I was that night. Some days, I feel as though I have gained back a little more of the person I once was, and I honestly am clueless as to whether that is me trying to gain back the person who I thought was so strong and independent, or if I am regressing back into the loveless person I once was. I do not know and I struggle with this idea every day I have been in love.
What also scares me is this slow rebuilding of trust. I am hesitant in discussing things with my boyfriend, things I thought I could always rely on his opinion and insight on. I am walking on eggshells. I try to be more conscious of my actions and words, to the point that I do not know if I am helping the relationship more or less than I am hurting my power of expression and even my sense of confidence. I hate that feeling, especially when I thought I would never have to feel like that around a significant other again.
I don’t want to blame all of this on the actions of my boyfriend. I am also guilty. I have been petty and bratty, as well as unrealistic with my attitude in such a way that I have hated myself, and that I know date caused my boyfriend to hate being with me as well. Worse, I have been unhealthy towards myself, so much so that my partner was struggling more than I even was. Mentally, I have more days of defeat than success, and I have left very little time for myself. It wasn’t until a month after the incident that I really let myself take in the situation after repressing my emotions, and it all bubbled out at a very unfortunate time. I had let darkness back in and was not ready to look for the light again. My light had given up on me, just as I had given up on myself.
I would like to emphasize that I have forgiven the actions, for I know I was not a good support system at the time. However, I have not forgiven him for acting out of spite and anger, without thinking of the consequences until after his actions had be done. I have not forgiven myself for being careless. I would not be lying if I said that I am uncertain as to if I am proud of myself for letting someone into my life in this way. I had gone my whole life solitarily in my emotions, and I had really struggled to be okay with letting down my guard. And while I really did feel that by sharing my soul, I showed the extent of my feelings, it was for this very reason that I had a guard up to begin.
What’s more is that I continue to struggle in recovering from the damage done. I hate that he has placed doubt in me that I am not good enough and that the problems with me are not always worth it. I don’t know if I will ever recover from not being enough and for being so weak as to feel this way. I can’t describe how terrible it is to have that little voice inside your head doubt every compliment given to you and very statement said to you by one you love. I have been broken and have pieces missing, and I’m slowly testing the gears to see if one day I will be able to work properly again.
Sometimes I think I’m blinded by the good that originally came from the relationship, and that that has been what has overshadowed some of the hurt this loss of trust has caused. However, I also know that despite all the tears and that negative thoughts, I would not want their absence if that means losing the good memories and the good times to come.
I would like to say our relationship has at least stabilized since a second chance was given. I have seen the pain and guilt on my partner’s face and I have heard how grateful he is with the gift of a second chance. We both have seen how close we were to losing each other, and losing all the love we had gain over the last few months. We have reevaluated our goals, and we have regained the focus of who we want to be. While I am sure there is still repairing to be done from both sides, I am happy the second chance was given. I was happy that this was an instance a second chance could be given, and that there is hope in repair. A new value was placed on love and on the true purpose and meaning of a relationship. We have stuck by each other through the healing process, including the dark and the light days. And while those dark days would sometimes like to be forgotten, the light ones give new memories and show the love that was almost lost.