It started about a year ago. It was my junior year of college and I was taking an exam for my media ethics class. I was sitting in about the fourth row back along the windows. I started taking the exam and something hit me like an extreme gust of wind taking the breath out of me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I began to sweat. Then my legs began to shake. “It’s okay Jess”, I kept saying to myself. You’re fine. Deep breaths.
I stared back at my exam and my vision was blurred. I couldn’t concentrate on a single word. I took my sweater off thinking maybe that would help. I stood up and cracked the window next to me. The cool February breeze did nothing. I was in a hot sweat, shaking, unable to control my panic. I got up and left the exam and went to the bathroom in hopes that getting out of the classroom would help. It didn’t. I threw cold water on my face and returned to the exam unable to control my panic. I called my mom after and just began to cry, knowing I had to have failed that exam. This was the first time I had a panic attack. This was the first time my anxiety completely took over me. This was the first time I lost control. But unlike this first time, I don’t always know what triggers my panic attacks.
That was just the beginning of my journey with anxiety, the chilling snake that would take over my body. It was a demon I couldn’t escape for a very, very long time.
Sometimes it would happen late at night when I was with my boyfriend. We would be hanging out, watching TV, what felt like a comfortable and happy situation. Then all of a sudden it would creep in. I could always sense it coming along. I felt it in my mind but I was unable to control it. I felt completely separated from my body in a way. The shaking would begin in my legs then slowly make its way up to the rest of my body. My boyfriend would hold me until it stopped. Sometimes being held was all I needed for the attack to go away.
But, sometimes I’m alone. I’m in my own bed. It’s dark. The world is completely silent. My thoughts spin in an endless spinning tornado. I close my eyes and try to take deep breaths. My chest physically hurts. It feels like a ten pounds weight is pulling down on my chest. If it’s in my mind, why can’t I stop shaking? Why is this happening? Why am I victim to my own mind?
It was a warm July night and my family and I was heading to a winery for the evening. It was beautiful out, warm with a cool breeze, and I was surrounded by everyone I loved, and oh lots and lots of wine. I felt anxious as soon as we got there. I told my sister and she got me some water. I took some deep breaths. I didn’t want anyone to notice. I felt embarrassed. I felt scared that I was unable to control myself. I felt weak in my mind. It got so bad that it consumed me when I was driving my family home that night. I felt it coming on again and I could send my mom knew I was feeling uneasy. I gripped the steering wheel and my hands pulsated with sweat. I’m okay I told myself.
I wasn’t okay.
I pulled over and my mom got in the driver’s seat. I looked back at my siblings in the backseat and I felt so incredibly vulnerable. I didn’t want people to see me like this. My mom held my hand and told me she loved me. That helped.
Apparently, this is ‘normal’, but I felt anything but that. My mom was worried and wanted me to go to the doctor so I did. I couldn’t avoid it anymore. The things that used to make me happy were driving my anxiety out of control. I could no longer drink coffee with shaking. I could no longer drive without having a panic attack. I no longer was in control and that’s what scared me the most.
I was put on a low dosage of medication for my anxiety. This is something I didn’t tell people for a while. Again, I was embarrassed. I felt vulnerable.
Every day my anxiety gets a little bit better. I’ve found ways to cope with my anxiety: music, essential oils, mindfulness, and meditation practices. It’s a process but every day I’m learning how to beat my battle with my own mental health.
This is only apart of my story. These are only a few of the episodes I experienced. I guess the reason I decided to write this and share my story is because of the prevailing negative stigma surrounding mental health. I think it’s a difficult thing until you’ve experienced it yourself. I’m writing this for anyone that has struggled with mental health but felt embarrassed to share their story with others. I’m writing this for the people who struggle with mental health every single day. I’m writing this for the people who lost their battle to mental health and took their own life. I’m writing this so the stigma will disappear and people won’t feel “crazy” anymore. I’m writing this so other people understand what it’s like to have a battle with mental health.
If you’re reading this and you struggle with anxiety, depression, OCD, autism – whatever it may be, just know you aren’t alone. It’s okay. You’ll be okay. You are strong. You are loved.